girl eats world

Day 49

2009-11-23T13:34:00.001-05:00

November 21st was the 49th day after Sandra's death. We held a memorial service at the Brooklyn Zen Center. Day 49 is a significant day in the Buddhist tradition because it's believed that it takes 49 days of transition time from this world to the next. It's a period of time needed for the consciousness to find a new channel, vessel, or place to go.
Some people have told me it's simply because it's going to take around 49 days for the reality of death to start to sink in. Either way, it's a big marker so the memorial service was very timely.

Greg, the priest residing over the ceremony, talked about our intentions for the service and that to grieve a loss and simultaneously celebrate a life we need an open heart - a heart that is more often then not broken open in a most painful way. Honestly, after hearing that, I was a bit overcome and didn't hear what he said next. I tuned back in as he was talking about the mystery of death which is the mystery of life, and how we just don't know what happens after death but we bring the intention to help Sandra's transition nonetheless. He referred to Sandra as a pioneer, one who has fearlessly taken this journey before us, who knows by how many years, months, or days.

In the spirit of helping clear all obstacles from Sandra's path of transition, we offered incense at an alter with Sandra's picture and some of her ashes while the rest of the sangha (congregation) chanted.

Then Greg talked directly to Sandra (which is also another part of the tradition). As you could imagine, this was very moving and powerful. He talked about being deeply touched by Sandra's presence even though he met her only once. After Sandra was diagnosed with cancer for the second time, she wanted to meet with Greg to see if the Zen tradition could offer her a perspective on the whole life/death/cancer thing that might help her deal with the upcoming onslaught of treatments. However, Greg was so struck by her attitude of acceptance and inner peace that he said that he left the meeting that day as the one who learned something about life. I think he can imagine those of us who were lucky enough to spend years with Sandra, let alone one lunch!

I was invited to speak, but it would have been useless. I was too choked up by the beginning of Greg's talk, never mind by the end of it. Besides, I talk directly to Sandra every day. Most importantly, I talked with her while she was alive and healthy, and there was nothing left unsaid between us. Anything I would have told her, she knows already. Anything she would have told me, I know already. My gratitude for that gift alone is far beyond words.

I'd like to thank, with as much heart and sincerity as I can muster, Greg for his openness which is apparent by his selfless sharing of his time, words, and compassion. I'd also like to thank the sangha at the Brooklyn Zen Center for their amazing love and support. It consistently overwhelms me.

**Just a small addendum by Greg:
"...the 49 days is not so much from this world to the next. It's more a matter of how long consciousness after death is in transition before rebirth into this world – 49 days being the estimated time it takes for the spirit to be reborn again into a new life. That said, it could be a symbolic number for two reasons. First, as you mentioned in your blog, it could be a ritual device to care for one's emotions. Or, if rebirth is the case, it could be a ritual device simply to mark return when this passage to one's new life actually has many time frames. Some in the Buddhist tradition feel rebirth takes 3 days, 21 days, 49 days or 100 days after death, and in some even feel it's 7 years. After all, everyone taking exactly 49 days seems like a math that might be a little too exact for life!"

California services for Sandra

2009-10-12T12:18:00.002-04:00

Memorial Mass - Saturday, Oct 17, 10am at St. Joseph Church, 727 N. Minter, Santa Ana, CA.

Celebration of Life - Will be held in Pasadena following church service. Lunch will be served. Sharing of stories and your memories of Sandra are warmly welcomed.

In lieu of flowers/gifts, or simply when thinking of her - Please support Sandra's favorite organizations and causes (see below):

www.kiva.org - Lend to a specific entrepreneur, empowering them to lift themselves out of poverty
www.gildasclub.org - People learn to live with cancer, free of charge.
www.mskcc.org - Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Click "how to help," click "make a gift." Under "ways to donate" select "direct your gift to a specific area of research or treatment" then scroll through "select a fund" to ovarian cancer, then complete online form. Or, simply call 1(888) 675-4438 and direct gift to benefit ovarian cancer research or treatment.
reduce, re-use, recycle daily
support local agriculture, shop at your local farmer's market
become an organ donor, blood donor, and blood platelet donor

Please attend the the celebration immediately following the service!
It will be held from 12 noon to 4, care of:
Sonja and Albert (not Alfred) Alarr
999 No. Madison Ave.
Pasadena, CA 91104

Transportation via bus will be provided for those who need it.

Thank you all so much!

Update on Sandra

2009-10-04T21:30:00.000-04:00

An update to all of Sandra's dear friends and family. On June 12, 2009 cancer was found in Sandra's brain, lungs & liver. The months following were a debilitating whirlwind of brain surgery, chemo/radiation, transfer of care to Memorial Sloan Kettering, ultimately ending at Calvary Hospital for palliative care of advanced cancer patients. Sandra's fight was valiant and heroic to the very end. At 5:07am, on Saturday, October 3rd, in peace & surrounded by love, Sandra's body released her and forever freed her from human suffering and pain. She was blessed to receive constant love from all of you. Thank you for your beautiful words & tributes already left on facebook. I encourage you to read them all. With love and appreciation - Deanna, Louie, Sally & EJ

2 out of 3 ain't bad, but it ain't good either

2009-08-15T10:36:00.002-04:00

so, this past week i had a brain mri and a ct scan of my torso to see where we were with this whole cancer thing. yesterday, ej, my family, and i met with my oncologist for the results. he started with the good news, "we found nothing in your brain." i had to laugh, but he didn't think it was funny. my lungs seem to be fine too. great! unfortunately, the cancer has been very busy growing in my liver. mr. oncologist refers to it as a tumor singular, but really, it's multiple growths.

this coming week we find out if radiation is a possibility. a change of chemo drugs is another possibility. and there's also some cutting edge mri/ultrasound procedure in boston that i may be a candidate for.

i need to take a break now. i'll try and blog a little more often than once a month. xoxo

my new perspective

2009-07-09T06:28:00.002-04:00

the anger arrived yesterday.

up until then, i was grudgingly accepting that i had been recast in this role. resigned to take whatever steps i needed to do my part well. i still feel that way, but now it's colored with something else. somewhere on the way to radiation yesterday, i was surprised by the sudden anger glowing in my belly. not surprised that i was angry, but that it took so long to show up. i thought, this whole situation is stupid. these toxic treatments are ridiculous. i can't believe this is what my life is right now.

i don't believe that cancer is a punishment for something i did or didn't do, but yesterday, i did indulge in some "but i did everything right the first time!!" thinking.

today i have round two of chemo, followed by afternoon radiation. after an abbreviated chunk of solid sleep last night (it's more about quality than quantity these days), i'm feeling the useful side of anger. i had been struggling with dread about chemo because two weeks ago, the combo of chemo and radiation really did me in to the point that i felt brain surgery was a breeze compared to these treatments. i didn't want to repeat it, but now i can focus my beam of anger right on the cancer. "you wanna play dirty? fine. i am so ready, you nasty little points of darkness, sneaking and slinking into my organs. i've got poisons comin' right atcha, not to mention my beam of anger that sees all. i am ready for combat. send me in, coach. i'll use my fists of fury, mano a mano, you damned dirty cancer."

i'm putting on my war paint. i am rambo. i am sarah connor in "the terminator". i am simon pegg in "sean of the dead". gimme my bat, i'm ready.

starting the day with doctors

2009-05-08T21:43:00.004-04:00

waiting for the doctor with my list of questions.

hello.
it's been a while. too long, perhaps. i just didn't have it in me. i had no urge to create, no desire to share, but in the last few days i've felt that old need to go public again...must be spring...thank goodness that emotional rollercoaster seems to be evening out.

this morning, i had my first check up with my oncologist. these will be happening every three months and consist of a pelvic exam and a blood draw. occasionally, a ct scan. i don't know why it's taken so long for this to sink in, but this morning i finally realized that my oncologist really isn't interested in any physical symptom that doesn't directly relate to cancer.

"my eyebrows grew in, but now they seem to be thinning out again. is that a sign of something?"
"well, they look good to me. i don't think it's anything."

"hot flashes. they're still going strong."
"i can prescribe ambien to help you sleep. or paxil. it's usually for depression and anxiety, but for some reason it seems to cut down on hot flashes."
"no, thank you."
"oh, that's right, you don't like to take drugs."

"this joint pain that started after chemo is still with me. would something like glucosamine or tumeric help?"
"well, chemo related joint pain is rare. (psst, it's not.) you can take motrin or something like that or, if you want, i can refer you to a rheumatoid doctor." the other doctor joked, "you probably know more about that stuff than we do."

funny.

a blessing and curse

2009-04-03T09:43:00.002-04:00

so here it is.

i thought that once i slogged through chemo and heaved past a hysterectomy, i would be home free. i couldn't wait until spring because that's when i would be beyond all the physical trials and with my "complete response to treatment" i could get back to doing laundry and picking up 2% milk from the store.

the good news is that i can, in fact, do laundry and buy milk. the surprise for me is that my emotions have gone bonkers. i can cry at the drop of a hat, for happy or for sad. it can be a commercial, a phone call from a friend, a dream. i can be walking down the street thinking how fabulous the world is and within the same block want to cry for my friend who's in the hospital. last night, i was at the stove stirring enchilada sauce and listening to the musical a little night music. judi dench started singing "send in the clowns" and i could feel the waterworks begin. i had been listening to music for hours, but all of a sudden judi's scratchy voice starts in on "isn't it rich..." and i'm crying into my mexican food.

even though i often feel as if i'm living life in the raw with exposed nerve endings reaching everywhere, i'm feeling better than i was on monday. i think it helps knowing that this is probably a mix of hormones (or lack thereof) and a sort of post-traumatic reaction to my bout with cancer. maybe it's the other side of all those days i spent my energy being upbeat-no-matter-what-all-i-see-is-the-silver-lining.

i feel like i'm pms-ing.
a lot.
lucky, lucky ej.

blue monday

2009-03-30T22:51:00.002-04:00

sigh.
such a weird day.

here i have my health, i'm not in pain, i have a roof over my head and food to eat. so what is my problem? i've got plenty on my list of things to do; organizing, cleaning, exercising, blogging, emailing, and yet i can't get motivated to do anything constructive. i did make oatmeal this morning, but mostly i distracted myself by playing scramble on facebook while telling myself that i can think better while finding words amongst the random letters which is the whole point of scramble, but thinking better is only occasionally true and that makes me grouchy. so i stop, but i just feel gross. and ridiculous. and then i wait too long before eating lunch so i'm even grouchier. i couldn't even manage to shower. sheesh. even this post is making me cranky.

i don't have cancer anymore so why am i completely unmotivated? shouldn't i be joyous? i feel that since i'm able to be mobile, i should have more to show for today.

i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to do anything.
sigh.

tomorrow should be better. friggin' monday.

the end of winter

2009-03-20T10:35:00.005-04:00

so spring has sprung. i awoke to snow flurries and now the sun is trying to break through.

it's been over six weeks since my hysterectomy and i'm finally feeling that i've turned a corner. the pain is mostly gone. my hair is mostly growing. mostly gray. i'm able to start focusing on the world outside my own health issues again. for the most part.

i visited a dear friend of mine recently who is going through a terrible loss. other than warming up some food for her lunch, i didn't feel there was much i could do to help. the grief in the air was heavy and persistant. i wanted to lift the burden for her, but i couldn't. there she was, living her life as wife and mother when whammo -- heartbreak. that same day, i learned that another friend of mine gave birth for the first time. mother and son are doing well and are the picture of happiness and beauty.

i step back and look at what the day had brought. one mother in california struggling with the eternal "why?", the other in italy holding her firstborn. i think about either and i cry. life is confusing and beautiful and heartbreaking. it's a burden and a joy. i know now that it's easier to deal with my own mortality and illness than to see someone i love battle such deep sorrow.

sigh.
the sun has disappeared. it's snowing again.

i am not a mutant. i am a big girl.

2009-03-03T18:57:00.003-05:00

i decided to have a genetic test done to find out if my cancer may have been caused by an alteration in my genes. since i'm younger than the average ovarian cancer patient and since there have been instances of cancer in members of my extended family, i assumed that the test would reveal some sort of wackiness in my genes.

today i received the results in the mail. even though my genetic counselor had called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me, it seemed different holding the piece of paper in my own hands. the result? "no mutation detected". that's exactly what the paper says. i was really surprised. i fully expected that darn cancer to be hereditary, but it turns out, i'm simply part of a very elite club. the odds are against a 42 year old without any genetic predisposition to be diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but look who beat those odds. so no mutation. i guess for me, the outcome is a moot point since i've already had the cancer, but the real winner in this scenario is my sister, and her two kids.

as a side note, i was on my feet today for three and half hours, a personal best lately. i went for a walk and did a few unnecessary errands just to get some fresh air and build my stamina. sheesh. i started out okay, but by the end, even old men shuffling along with canes were passing me by. that's alright. two nights ago, i took myself off the pain medication which is the longest i've gone without pharmaceutical assistance in the last four weeks, and today was the first day i put my socks on all by myself. i mean, since the surgery. i'm a big girl now.

ayumi-chan

2009-02-26T13:52:00.005-05:00

many years ago, while working as a custom picture framer in berkeley, i met ayumi. we immediately clicked as we bonded over food, and soon I considered her my imouto -- my little sister. we worked together for only a year and then in 2001, i moved to new york. that was the last time we had seen each other.

we kept in touch online, but i still missed her very much. in the meantime, she and her husband, aaron, moved to portland, oregon. finally, after years of procrastinating, ej and i made it a priority, and after our recent holiday visit to the west coast, flew straight to portland to visit ayumi and aaron. she and i cried when we saw each other.

ayumi and i in their happy little home.

with aaron, ocho, and p-nut.

in their house, there is always something to look at.

at night, ej had vivid dreams in color.

close up on his dreams .

ayumi and aaron work together as artists under the name apak.

we really felt like we were on vacation.

this is the dog with the longest neck i've ever seen.

ayumi made a batch of blueberry pancakes.

oh, happy day!

life as a dog in their house is pretty darn good.

we eventually ventured out into the world. strangely, many of our adventures were related to food.

we visited a massive asian supermarket. right after i took this photo, an employee informed me that photos were prohibited. i guess they don't want anyone to steal their dragon idea.

so when i took this illegal photo of ayumi holding a notebook and some stationary that they designed that's sold at the store, we had to have ej and aaron be on the lookout. there were two other shops in portland where i saw their artwork being sold in different forms and that was exciting. i felt like i was hanging out with celebrities.

other stops were at the love counselor, which was...confusing.

and the waffle window where i got the warm chocolate-covered waffle i was craving.

just a little waffle action to fuel us.

hailing a cab? pointing the way? is it me, or does that statue have an unusually long finger?

we were tourists, so it was required that we stop at voodoo doughnut.

they're known for their unique doughnuts, such as texas-sized glazed doughnuts and cereal covered doughnuts.

the one i'd seen on tv was the maple bacon doughnut. i hear it's good, but i stuck with a traditional glazed. regular sized.

i enjoy neon.

perhaps my favorite part of our visit, was when ayumi made a traditional japanese one-pot dish called nabe. here are most of the ingredients.

this was in honor of my birthday and it was exactly what i wanted, good food shared with people i love.

i discovered that nabe is the perfect mid-winter meal. the clay pot is heated by a single burner that was brought out to the table. it was all very warm and comforting and all the flavors were outstanding.

this is from wikipedia: Eating together from a shared pot is considered as an important feature of nabemono; East Asian people believe that eating from one pot makes for closer relationships. The Japanese thus say, Nabe (w)o kakomu (鍋を囲む、"sitting around the pot"), implying that sharing nabemono will create warm relations between the diners who eat together from the shared pot.

the dogs knew they were missing out on something.

"delicious" doesn't even do it justice.

too much sake.

this was all followed by blueberry pie a la mode. i hope that aaron and ayumi realize what they've done. ej and i will be back next year for dinner on january 11th. and every year thereafter.

these are close-ups on a collaboration between apak and a furniture designer. this work was painted directly on a bench. it's called "coming home" and this shows only part of the whole work.

one of the things i love about ayumi and aaron is that they're creating the world in which they want to live. they both make their living as artists, they bought their home, they've created a studio upstairs where they can work, they have two adorable dogs, one of which can play a toy piano...it was really wonderful to be a part of their world.

it was going to be hard to leave, even though we'd only been there two full days.

before they dropped us off at the airport, we stopped for breakfast. of course we couldn't leave without one last meal.

it was yummy danish food.

the bonus was that we were able to meet up with a dear friend who had been a framer with us. i hadn't seen chris since 2001. lucky for us, she now lives in portland. she brought me a gift of a hat.

the lay-dees. yup, we can all cut glass, cut mats, and assemble moulding.

a skinny creature on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. apak found him.

and then it was time to fly away. on the plane, you could listen to music provided by the airline or, play games on the screen in front of you. ej played a trivia game against other passengers. he did very well.

there were quite a few snowy peaks as i looked out the plane window. the visit had been exactly what i needed.

sigh.

i sneezed

2009-02-25T08:54:00.002-05:00

i'd been dreading it and have managed to stifle them for the past few weeks, but this morning i felt one coming on. i hugged my belly, and i sneezed.

i didn't explode. hurrah!

in an hour i'm getting on the subway for the first time in weeks. hopefully, i won't explode there either.

it's a big day for sandra.

it's like looking in a mirror

2009-02-20T17:32:00.008-05:00

i've discovered that over that last two months, i've begun a small collection of photos taken with friends and family who have a hairstyle similar to mine. i simply had to share. (notice the matching color scheme of shirts in almost every photo...weird.)

in anaheim hills with my cousin, firefighter justin. at this point i was completely hairless. penciled in eyebrows, no eyelashes, i think even my nose hairs were missing.

in alameda with my dear friend, bryan. the hat i had on left an indentation across my forehead which makes it look like i'm wearing a bald cap from a costume shop.

in san francisco with my no-longer-long-lost-friend, franky. the faint suggestion of fuzz is beginning to make an appearance. i don't know why this photo makes me think of a couple of koalas hugging.

in williamsburg, brooklyn with astounding musician, harel. if i grew a beard and gave him glasses, we'd practically be twins.

in manhattan with my fabulous acupuncturist, josh. i hadn't quite caught up to him. hairwise. maybe that's why i have such a freaky look on my face.

taken today.
just me and my long, luxurious locks. the eyebrows are homegrown too. my hair reminds me of the guy on the tv show, Lost.

the guy from Lost.

there may be hope yet

2009-02-18T12:03:00.004-05:00

thank goodness i can have only one hysterectomy in my life.

i'm sure i've made this whole recovery experience more difficult because of my unrealistic expectations. for some reason, even though my oncologist told me 6-8 weeks, i didn't believe that it applied to me.

i cancelled this morning's acupuncture appointment. this made me sad, but i realized that it would be a big deal just to walk the three blocks to the subway station, much less actually get on the train and go into manhattan.

the good news is that there are small improvements in my recovery. for once, i won't go into graphic detail, but let's just say that the recovery seems to be moving forward, if at a snail's pace. and yay for naproxen! although the pain isn't completely gone, it is controlled and hopefully i will never have to visit the long list of possible side effects.

i've also become very efficient with movement. if i'm going to stand up and shuffle to the bathroom, you'd better believe that the trip will include grabbing the book i want to read, refilling my water glass, opening the curtains, putting on my favorite fuzzy jacket, and if i'm really ambitious, watering a plant or two. no sense in making them suffer just because i am.
sheesh. i sound bitter.

the truth is that even though i feel like an old lady who's been kicked in the stomach by a horse, there are many bright spots, if i just choose to see them. a care package from the vandewalles, a book on disc from deirdre, my mom's cooking last week and my sister visiting over the weekend, eggplant parmesan from skye, a musical card from hanna, beautiful homemade valentine wishes from tere and gabriel, an email from pat, and a phone call from joyce who was a stranger, but is now my friend. i get constant love and affection from ej. i also get comments on this blog and facebook from supportive friends and family (which i always read even if i never reply). and alfajores that transport me made by heidi and her tias.

gosh, when i start to pay attention, i realize i'm a very lucky girl. sorry, i've got a little something in my eye...

shaking my fist

2009-02-14T10:45:00.003-05:00

i am pretty much done, done with this whole recovery crap. i simply do not have the tolerance or patience or bravery to deal with major surgery. this is not a plea for assurances about my courage, but this has been a miserable week overall and i need to purge it.

true, i found out that i "completely responded" to treatment, which is excellent. and i did have the staples on my incision removed. other than that, my body has spent the last few days hunched over in pain. it hurts deep inside when i stand up, when i sit, when i go to the bathroom, when i'm trying to sleep. my digestive system is all messed up so even that hurts.

sure, i'm taking pain medication. the first one, ultracet, didn't totally control the pain and gave me every side effect listed. now, i'm on tylenol which is not controlling the pain except for right after each dosage. my sister has gone to fill a prescription for naprosyn. i hope it works.

i've learned that when my body has major challenges, i get anxious. i felt like this last year after my lung biopsy which was the third of three surgeries, but the first to scare me. my life previous to this, i enjoyed the resiliency of my body. colds? no problem. flu? puh-leeze. and now, my joints ache from chemo, the hot flashes keep me cranky, and even though i don't have a uterus or ovaries, i'm bleeding like i'm on my period.

sorry.
i'm spent. completely spent.

happy valentine's day.

moving pictures

2009-02-11T13:28:00.002-05:00

in the last 24 hours, i've learned that the last two films i shot are going to have screenings! the rough cut of a short film called tangle eye blues will have a private screening in a couple of weeks. i have a small role that got smaller because i didn't get to finish shooting my scenes due to an unexpected and extended visit to the hospital last summer. i'll watch it knowing that i was hepped up on ibuprofen at the time.

the other film is my first feature. it's called the fay lindsay jones story and the director told me there will be a screening this spring. i'm really excited about this one because it's a comedy and i'm particularly fond of laughing. gawd, i hope it's funny.

it's nice to be reminded that there's life outside of health issues. woohoo! do you see it? light at the end of the tunnel.

well, hallelujah

2009-02-09T11:37:00.002-05:00

um.
i just got off the phone with my oncologist. the first thing he did when he got into the office this morning was to check the computer to see if the pathology reports were in yet from last week's hysterectomy.
they were.

he told me that they found no signs of cancer. not any. not one tiny cell. he said some other things, but my hearing got blurry after that. i do remember him saying that they did a very thorough investigation and that he's very happy with the news.

so am i.

ps: i was in the hospital last week until friday. there were multiple shots, ivs, clear liquids for meals, 24 very attractive staples, a chest x-ray that showed no return of cancer nodules in my lungs since the PET scan in december, some awkward shuffling to the bathroom, plenty of bad television, and two unfinished crossword puzzles. the last few days have been uncomfortable between the soreness, my lack of appetite, the persistent hot flashes, and sadly, constipation. luckily, last night there was some forward motion in that area. aren't you glad that i blog about it? (can i just say that by last night that was all i could think about? i was cranky and obsessed and what a relief that such a simple event can bring.) anyway, things are looking up.

one more surgery

2009-02-02T21:02:00.003-05:00

it's 9pm the night before my hysterectomy. i'm sipping a "pasteurized sparkling saline laxative". lemon flavored and chilled. mmm.

i feel positive. i'm not looking forward to another hospital stay, but i'm resigned to it and eager to move things along. i can't wait to get to the point where cancer is not such a central topic in my life.

i hope they don't find any cancer cells lurking amongst my innards. i don't feel like i have any microscopic interlopers, but if they're microscopic, how would i know? perhaps it's wishful thinking. i hope not.

the silver lining is that the drugs they give me will take care of the annoying joint pain i've acquired the last few weeks. at least there's that. i wish there were internet access in the hospital.

and now, the rest of that "bowel prep"...

triumphant. finally. at least, for now.

2009-01-30T09:26:00.005-05:00

can i thank God it's friday even though i'm not working at a job right now?

after much confusion, faxing, endless phone calls and some help from both my local assemblywoman's office and one mr. smith at the state medicaid office, i have been assured that my medicaid is now active.
again. just in the nick of time.
cue breathing.
after my oncologist assured me that my need for a hysterectomy is urgent (apparently those nasty microscopic cancer cells could be growing again in my abdomen as i type this), i did not want to postpone surgery just because medicaid was being elusive. i think most of my peachfuzz turned gray due to showing up for pre-surgical testing and assorted doctor's visits all the while half expecting to be jettisoned (again) from the office mid-visit for lack of coverage. and i don't mean that my paper gown was slipping.

thanks especially to my sister and everyone else who has cheered me on in my battle with bureaucracy. my hysterectomy will now go ahead as scheduled next tuesday, feb 3. woohoo. party time.

ps: in the midst of my crankiness and frustration, there were surprise moments of warmth and gratitude including:

my pulmonary doctor telling me that he used me as an example of the power of positive thinking (if only he knew what i'd been thinking about medicaid lately),

a woman i didn't know coming up to me at barbes and telling me that she reads my blog (soon after, she sang with the band and it was great. nice to meet you, eva!),

and seeing friends that i hadn't seen since before i got sick, and after taking a good look at my hairless head for the first time hearing one of them very seriously say, "it's beautiful. really, it's beautiful." so nice to hear when you're feeling fragile.

bay area bliss, the final chapter

2009-01-26T19:03:00.005-05:00

before i was distracted by surgery and tests, i was sharing photos from our holiday trip to the west coast. these are from our last few days in the bay area.

crossing the bay bridge, it's very difficult not take a photo.

dusk over the bay

it had been many, many years since i'd seen my dear friend, franky. he and i met when we toured the northwest together doing children's theatre. recently, franky started sculpting for the first time.

i loved them.

since we had matching hairdos, we had to document it.

but which one is the real sandra?

franky's lovely partner, randy, made us a beautiful dinner.

ej and his mom, hanna, before we left for portland. it's always wonderful to spend time with her.

bay area bliss, part 2

2009-01-26T17:39:00.005-05:00

shane is a dear friend who moved back to santa rosa after living in nyc for many years. he and i used to work together in a delightful office environment in manhattan. now we hang out in relaxed california. this time, ej, shane, and myself drove to the scharffen berger chocolate factory in berkeley. we sampled various chocolates and got the insider scoop from the friendly employees. unfortunately, i was so overcome by the heavenly aroma of deep, dark chocolate that i forgot to take any photos. you know it's got to be overwhelming for me to forget to take photos.

i call this "oakland: a view from the car". if you click on it, you can see the traffic below and san francisco in the background. very daytime blade runner.

after the chocolate factory, we were starving and settled in at szechwan restaurant in oakland's chinatown. shane does not mess around when it comes to eating food.

this is the main reason why szechwan restaurant is a must-do on our annual holiday visit: the string beans. RIDICULOUSLY tasty. i think it's the salty bits of pork.

during our meal, the owners started giving us mandarin lessons and letting us taste what they were eating. shane was not shy about trying out his new chinese vocabulary. luckily, ej documented some of the phrases on his field recorder because today i couldn't say "this is delicious" in chinese if my life depended upon it.

we had fun that night.

we also tried out the diagonal crosswalks in chinatown. yup, that's exactly the sort of wild kids we are.

the next day, hanna had my good friend karl and his beautiful family over for lunch. i was excited because this was the first time we got to meet baby zoe. here, ej works his magic.

everyone was happy to have the baby around.

zoe and mama michelle

and papa karl

hanna made a delicious lunch of pasta and sausage. i remember it fondly.

karl was my upstairs neighbor many years ago when i was living in oakland. he's been a true friend ever since.

zoe flies before they say goodbye.

bay area bliss, part 1

2009-01-25T18:07:00.005-05:00

so, after the holidays, ej and i traveled from southern california to the bay area to visit with his mom, hanna, and assorted friends.

this is rachel, jadyn, bryan, and little ol' me. rachel, bryan, and myself used to work in the same art store in berkeley. bryan and i were custom picture framers together. the last time i saw them, they were visiting nyc and jadyn was just a twinkle in her mother's eye.

hanna had a gathering while we were there. it was great to meet her friends and it looks like hanna had a good time too.

oh, the infamous fog! this is the bay bridge with just a hint of the city beyond.

we stayed a couple of nights with our old friends, david and eddie. ever since they moved to the bay area, david has been telling me about the spectacular view from their condo. i'll just have to trust him on that.

david made a delicious prime rib roast for dinner!! that man certainly knows the way to my heart.

the next day, we toodled around the city. here are ej and eddie conquering the windmill in golden gate park.

we stopped for a snack before hitting happy hour in the castro.

ej and i aren't huge drinkers, but a refreshing adult beverage in social situations can be quite enjoyable. david and eddie know the good happy hours, so here is ej feeling no pain. hello? ej? can you hear me?

i was pretty happy too. here i am with my old friend, david. i'm pretty sure i was the only woman in this bar. i was definitely the only bald one.

i love the streetcars in san francisco.

i was very excited to ride in one. it doesn't take much.

we stopped at the buena vista cafe: the birthplace of the irish coffee.

from our place at the bar, we had a view of the parade of life outside. like these hooded tourists in the back of an old fire engine. granted, it was chilly outside, but really...

then there was a group of tourists on segways. no ski masks though.

alcatraz in the distance

back at david and eddie's, we lived a life of luxury. here i am in my favorite chair. they called it a cuddle chair and i thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. i would've moved into that chair if they'd let me. (now that i have peach fuzz on my head, i'm a little surprised when i look back at these photos and realize just how bald i was. like kojak, bald.)

my, oh my, obama

2009-01-21T23:57:00.005-05:00

yesterday, i stood in the crowded back room of a local bar, where i normally go to hear live music, and watched barack obama be sworn in as our president. we were all shoulder to shoulder, i was overheated, and i could only see a sliver of the big screen between the heads in front of me, but i was so very happy to share that experience with others who were equally excited.

at the end of the ceremony when the national anthem was sung in d.c., someone in the room started quietly singing along. it quickly spread and before i knew it, i too was singing. then bam! the emotion hit me, i wiped away a tear, and i felt something i hadn't felt since, heck, since i was a 10 year old learning about the bicentennial or a 14 year old cheering on the u.s. olympic hockey team as they played the soviet union. yesterday, i actually felt patriotic. i was surprised. and happy. and hopeful.

afterward, ej played with the raya brass band and people danced.

the backside of the banner in the window (it's a french bar).

i took my best eyebrows for the occasion.

that night, ej and i had amazing homemade indian food (thank you, pete!) at pete and dawn's apartment. we celebrated and toasted our new president (thank you, barack!). it was a good day.

ending the last year and beginning this new one

2009-01-18T11:08:00.012-05:00

my last few days in southern california over the holidays were a whirlwind of activity.

this is my cousin, jack, and my dad, louie. my dad is very pro mater dei monarchs. (his alma mater. and mine. and my mom's. and my sister's...)

my brother-in-law, tom, recently acquired a small boat so that he and max can go fishing. one day, we took the boat for a pleasure cruise. it was a tad chilly and quite foggy. my sister does not do well in the cold.

tom, deirdre, and myself: the hat brigade

gotta keep that one ear warm, i guess.

the fog starting to clear.

baring our teeth

salty max

an homage to E.T.? perhaps.

new year's eve at gina farina's house in long beach. i would much rather gather with old friends like gina and deirdre than brave a large crowd. minutes before midnight, we're ready with our champagne.

my toupee must have slipped off when i removed the lampshade from my head. or maybe it was all the dancing on the tables.

a strawberry goes for a dip in my champagne.

ringing in 2009.

new year's day, sufficiently recovered from the wild party the night before, i got a visit from my comadre, jeanette, and her sons, jeremy and jonathan.

jeremy got a tattoo kit for christmas and was nice enough to apply one to my arm. my skin seems to be resistent to tattoos, henna, and golden tans.

at my parents' house, it's all about the eating.

maya loves the little christmas village that my mom put out on display. here she introduces a tiny snowman to baby Jesus.

maya took this photo. i love it!

then she played us her latest composition.

i spent my last night in orange county at their house. maya showed me how she packs her babies into a small compartment when she takes them for a walk.

the next morning, max wore a pair of goggles that he found in the park. it's all about safety when you're using hand tools.

oh dear.

he must've been lecturing me about my lack of protective goggles.

who loves to comb her own hair?

before i left, max gave me something that he built, but since it wouldn't fit in my suitcase, it now sits high on a shelf for safekeeping at their house. i told him i wanted to take a photo so that i could remember it always.

thank you, max. i love you and i miss you.

vamos a la playa

2009-01-15T21:47:00.029-05:00

toward the end of my holiday visit in southern california, i was having a grouchy day, so my dear friend, deirdre, whisked me away to the beach for a breath of fresh air.

ahh. a little direct sunlight on my fair, porcelain skin. i think my eyebrows were beginning to melt.

nopales and blue sky: my homeland.

add some macrame and i'm back in the 70's.

i must have a hundred photos of deirdre taking photos.

the unrestored part of crystal cove.

i fell in love with sea glass!

i have a thing for rocks and shells. i collected them when i was a kid and i still find it difficult to resist their pull.

you can click on photos to enlarge them. sand up close is amazing. go ahead. try it.

a tree on a hill

lucy and ethel. the woman who took our picture asked if we were sisters. she thought we had the same smile. deirdre and i are old friends, but i don't think that the red headed irish lass and the bald headed latina really look alike. maybe it was the glasses. (note to self: don't pose like that. it looks as if deirdre has a hand growing out of her shoulder.)

don't let the door hit you on the way out

2009-01-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

a farewell speech from bush.
c'mon! i just want to enjoy a good comedy. get off my tv screen!
oh, wait. this is a comedy. a tragicomedy.

what a perfect way to end this crappy day.

&(^#(&!@^*#&% medicaid!!!

2009-01-15T16:04:00.007-05:00

sigh.
i'm back in brooklyn and i'm really feeling it.

while i was on the west coast, my medicaid card arrived in the mail. i've learned that it was active from july through october, but starting in november, it became inactive. why? well, the educated guess from a woman at the helpline is that my disability payments, which began in december, are above the maximum income level to qualify for medicaid. in fact, she told me that any income over $700 and change is too much to qualify for medicaid. apparently, since i will be living large on disability, i should have plenty to pay for my february 3rd hysterectomy and all the medical testing beforehand.

my options? according to the helpline woman, i can request to pay some sort of monthly surplus fee or, i can reapply for medicaid all over again. what?!! reapply??! this comes after hours of calling fifteen different billing offices/collection agencies to provide my medicaid number for past bills and work out what will be covered and what won't. i also called another medicaid number where i waited 14 minutes and 58 seconds only to find out that due to the high call volume, my only option was to leave my name and number so that they can get back to me within 48 hours.

i was a bit overwhelmed, but after some lunch and a good cry, i'm back in fighting mode. i've got calls in to my oncologist (no surgery without medicaid) and the financial office at the hospital, and my dear sweet sister is seeking assistance from any medicaid contacts that my local assemblywoman might have.

ok. enough complaining. i just needed to get that off my chest. now it's time to fill out my registration and pre-surgical testing forms. thank goodness we were able to enjoy a good break on the west coast. i can't wait for spring...

domo arigato

2009-01-12T12:41:00.002-05:00

i had a fabulous birthday yesterday! thank you ayumi, aaron, and ej for making it so spectacular. food and friends; it was just what i wanted! pics will be up when we're back in brooklyn.

xoxo

more mexicans in the days after christmas

2009-01-10T14:32:00.006-05:00

when spending the night at my sister's house, i'm privy to the behind-the-scenes stuff that i might miss otherwise. like a young girl and her balloon alone at the table.

or the morning bloom of a flower.

or the flower eating pancakes.

or the merry dance of a couple of pirates.

my sister planned a pre-birthday celebration for me. we picked up my mom and two of my tias in the Party Van. there is always plenty to discuss when las mujeres get together.

i had to give up eating sushi the whole time i was doing chemo, so i was craving it. we broke my sushi fast with a meal at a japanese restaurant. yum!!

celia, milia, chelo

back at my parent's house, we gathered at the usual spot, the kitchen table. we enjoyed coffee with delicious birthday cheesecake. i never noticed before just how much hand gesturing was going on.

i also wanted to see my second cousin, louie. he and his brother, sal, and my uncle eddie, often have breakfast at the same place, so some of us crashed their hangout. louie, sally, luis, eddie.

my mom like to work both sides of the table. cousin tricia, sal and maggie.

los compadres

the whole group, plus the owner.

cousins and tias

2009-01-10T12:23:00.012-05:00

more moments from my trip to southern california...

my parents and i took max to see A Christmas Carol (thank you, gina!) and afterwards we got to look around the set (thank you again, gina!). this is our little mexican bob cratchit.

next stop: santa ana. my tia chelo makes amazing menudo.

i had a couple of bowls just to verify.

cousins vincent, aline, and lauren with la baldy.

my dad and his sister and for some reason, a pack of corn tortillas.

two rarities in southern california: the mountains have a lot of snow and it's actually clear enough to see the mountains.

anaheim hills: we descended upon cousin monica and her husband, justin for a delicious lunch. their son, colin, gave my niece, maya, a big dog. strangling must be maya's way of showing love.

maya gave colin bubbles and he couldn't get enough of them.

looking into the sun makes us pretty.

another precious moment.

cousins tricia and monica, the empty-haired one, and my sister, deanna.

is it just me, or do i look like a character from blade runner?

the big kids invade colin's little bachelor pad.

this is justin's mom, the fabulous kris. an ovarian cancer survivor and all around stand-up human, she cheers me on and shows me the way.

the paparazzi series starring my mom, sally, and her youngest sister, charlotte. every single time i framed the shot, they would step back. charlotte was cooperative, but my mom kept insisting that i was too close. you can almost hear her saying, "back up!"

holidaze adventures continued

2009-01-05T14:08:00.009-05:00

can i just say that i think my hair is starting to show signs of new growth?!! if i let this stubble grow, i may have enough for a comb-over! finally! i won't have what my 4 year old nephew, max, calls "empty hair" forever!

while ej and i were in orange county, we got to see my young cousin, jeremy, in a christmas play.

that's right, he played Turkey Kid.

he did a great job!

we also were able to attend our friends' white elephant party. our fabulous hosts, sonja and albert, call it the "broke dick" party because when this annual tradition began, they were quite financially challenged. many years later, throngs of people are showing up with a wrapped present, eyeing/haggling/stealing their way through the high decibel turkish-bazaar-meets-the-stock-exchange process, and leaving with a "treasure". after the "gift exchange", i had to document a few of my lucky friends and the items they took home.

deirdre and her shell lady.

ej and his annette funicello cassettes.

nancy and her monkey.

osvelia and her hillary.

and the triumphant danuta with what was perhaps the most vied for gift of the night: barack obama riding a unicorn in the nude.

this deserves a closer look.
the gift exchange was so much fun, but it was even better to be back in the fold of my l.a. friends.

the next day, ej and i visited the gene autry museum with my parents.

the exhibit was about fact and fiction regarding the role of latino "noble" bandits.

a detail of an old movie poster in the exhibit. don't you just love rodeos?

on christmas eve, my family visited my tia rachel and uncle tito. a group photo with assorted relatives was one of the few permanently lost in the recent "holiday photos deleted while uploading" fiasco, but i do have a shot of the tamales.

me and my cousin, bea. when i was little, i loved hanging out with my cool cousin "bea-bea". she would tell us scary stories. i loved it!

back at the ranch, the boys deflate the air mattress.

it's the little things in life.

on christmas day, ej made a big batch of salsa verde. que sabroso!

we were lucky enough to have ej's mom, hanna, join us for the christmas festivities.

attempting to wrangle kids for a photo.
well, you get the idea.

on christmas night, things were settling down. the kids were bathed and pajama'd.

i don't know what was in the milk, but all of a sudden, the little people started bouncing off the walls.

which led to a pillow fight.

which was followed (at max's suggestion) by a giant group hug. the kids were smooshed in the middle and although i don't have a photo of that, i think i'll always remember our love fest of christmas '09.

the holidaze, part 1

2009-01-05T12:12:00.007-05:00

christmas was a busy time in southern california. other than the highly inconvenient hot flashes, the setting of medical appointments for my return to ny, and the confusion that is medicaid, my time was filled with friends, family, and lots of mexican food. and i mean lots.

max during his karate test to move up from yellow belt to orange belt.

waiting as instructed to see if he earned his orange belt. he did!

have i mentioned that maya is now 2 years old and has learned to wield her "no!" and "mine!"?

an impromptu jam session

we took a trip to disneyland. the morning was with the kids. my sister was feeling the happy of the happiest place on earth.

max wanted to get on thunder mountain, but he sat in the fetal position with his eyes closed and his hands covering his ears through the entire ride.

i'd forgotten that disneyland is Stroller City.

our people are represented in the clock outside the Small World ride.

Small World was the one ride that deanna had requested we go on. this is the back of her head as she videotapes each precious moment and lives the magic.

at night, the big kids had fun in the magic kingdom by ourselves.

i think the high point for ej was his first ever ride on space mountain. he doesn't like rollercoasters.

and deanna doesn't like fireworks. isn't disneyland fun? i wanted to take a photo of her as the fireworks exploded above the matterhorn, but she was running too fast with her fingers in her ears.

stay tuned for plays, parties, and more fun behind the orange curtain.

eureka

2009-01-04T10:30:00.006-05:00

yesterday morning, ej surprised me by recovering virtually all of the holiday photos that i'd lost recently. i was thrilled! he worked most of the night to do it and i am eternally grateful. perhaps i can now get my act together and post some photos from our whirlwind trip to southern california. (we're in the bay area now.)

here are a couple until i get organized.

maya the artist

max models some holiday finery given to me by my cousin jeremy.

there's a lesson here somewhere...

2008-12-31T00:06:00.003-05:00

i am so frustrated right now.

i am here in southern california visiting my friends and family for the holidays and as usual, i've been taking lots of photos. i just uploaded them from my camera to my laptop, or so i thought...apparently only about half of the four hundred plus photos made it into my computer. and all of the photos were deleted from my memory card.

so photos of my niece and nephew when i spent the night are all gone. photos of lunch with my aunts, breakfast with cousins, ej and the salsa he made, christmas day...

i am perhaps absurdly attached to photos, so i'm very grouchy right now.

and while i'm wallowing in my misery, the imaging center where i had my scan done informed me today that my medicaid is inactive. this is after i was recently issued a medicaid card.
sigh.

ps: my hysterectomy is now scheduled for feb 3.

results

2008-12-12T17:08:00.003-05:00

today i got the status of how the cancer responded to treatment.

very well, thank you.

my lungs, my abdomen, and the rest of my body are clear. my doctor did remind me that this doesn't guarantee that there aren't teeny tiny cancer cells that don't show up in scans, but he was very pleased with the results. he was witness to the lung biopsy i had in august, and he said there were quite a few nodules hanging out in both lungs, and now there are none. there is still work to be done as far as making sure that cancer's ass is properly kicked, but for now, we celebrate.

i don't know what you were all so worried about.
i knew it was going to be fine.

thanks to all my friends, family, and the kind strangers who have reached out and held me up for the past six months. whaddya doin' next year?

ps: hysterectomy jan 27.

playing the waiting game

2008-12-11T22:58:00.006-05:00

i spent this evening organizing my small mountain of pending hospital bills. this made me sleepy and grouchy.

i wish it were snowing instead of raining.

i ate too much at lunch.
all by myself, i finished off a pizza the size of a steering wheel.

we have heard evidence of another, um, rodent. in the pre-dawn hours, it was making a racket in our ceiling right above the metal plate that holds our light fixture. now our light doesn't work. tomorrow the exterminator comes. i hope he's bringing an electrician.
sigh.

ok. i'm done complaining for the moment.
i think i'm nervous about tomorrow. no photos for that.

nuclear medicine or, how i became radioactive

2008-12-08T17:14:00.006-05:00

i had no idea that today was supposed to be so cold. it must've been in the teens when ej and i left the apartment early this morning for my PET/CT scan appointment. and can i just say how odd it is that poisons are used so often in the pursuit of health?

today, i was given an iv full of some radioactive liquid. "radiotracer" it's called. the better to scan me with. i was told not to fly today (they might arrest me) and not to hang around any small children (i might inadvertently poison them). apparently, i'm oozing gamma rays or something. sheesh.

so this scan will reveal if those nasty cancerous nodules are still hanging around in my lungs. i have an appointment with my oncologist on friday to get the results. i didn't think i was nervous about it until last night when i didn't sleep a wink. well, maybe one wink, but certainly not enough. i guess i'm nervous.

i didn't catch this guy's name, but he was fantastic. skilled, experienced, really talked to me...i felt completely safe in his care. i wish all health care workers were like that. someone give this guy a raise.

the pink smock is not mine. they made me remove my jeans because of the metal zipper. i'm so glad i was wearing longjohns underneath. my iv is prepped and i'm drinking contrast. banana flavored. yum.

afterward, we had breakfast at a diner with ej's aunt ellen and uncle skip. hanging around with them is like hanging around with the mayor of 5th avenue. they know everyone in bay ridge.

scan results on friday...

quitting chemo

2008-11-30T16:24:00.005-05:00

ok.
i'm not quitting, but as of this past friday, i've fulfilled my quota for the year. after an upcoming CT scan and a couple of doctor's visits, i'll be free to leave nyc for a break in california, at least, temporarily. i'm still waiting on approval from medicaid, ah bureaucracy, but for now, my belly is full, i'm feelin' the love, and i have plenty of hats for my drafty head.

to commemorate the end of phase I...

hooked up, but perusing a menu, of course.

ack! chemo in action.

i left home without my eyebrows.

sharing my morning with liza. if you look closely at my head, you can see the remnants of a recent henna encounter.

the end, for now...

help! food on my mind!

2008-11-30T14:52:00.007-05:00

in an effort to keep myself out of trouble between hot flashes and pill-popping, i will be officially blogging for a food website called the hungry? city guides. finally, i can direct my love of food toward the all-inclusive abyss that is the internet. i won't be getting rich off of this, at least not yet, in fact, money won't be involved at all, only the joy of life experience. (for example, most of the photos on the home page are mine.)

now, this is where you come in. since i can't keep reviewing the same places within a 3 block radius of my apartment, i need restaurant suggestions. i'm not looking for anything fancy or highbrow, just good grub at reasonable prices. maybe you know of a fantastic bakery whose cupcakes bring you to tears, or a hole-in-the-wall with out-of-this-world pad thai, or a mom and pop place that has crazy delicious fried chicken. whether it be a diner, a taco truck, or a bistro that reminds you of that trip to paris, send me the names of eateries that you hold near and dear to your heart and stomach, and i will visit as many as i can. (i'm primarily looking for places in new york city, but am also open to your own hometown favorites for when i visit you!)

now, close your eyes, think of food, and send me your suggestions...

eating heavenly risotto in a previous life.

mug shot

2008-11-22T09:51:00.007-05:00

so yesterday, i got a letter from the california dmv saying that it's time to renew my driver's license. the good news is that i get to retake my photo. i had shown up for that last renewal thinking that my hair was finally going to be just right. i had spent a fair amount of time working hard to make my hair look free and easy, naturally curly without being too wacky. when i received the license in the mail, i was disappointed to see that my giant moon face was surrounded by an unbecoming 'fro that was smashed on one side.

the bad news about the upcoming renewal is that i'll be bald for the new photo.
sigh.

e-rat-ication: day of reckoning

2008-11-15T09:05:00.009-05:00

as i sit here with what feels like a combination of jetlag, post-traumatic syndrome, and a hangover, i wonder where we went wrong. surely, there must've been an easier way to get to this point.

yesterday, we cleaned out the cabinet underneath the sink, only to discover that the DDR (damned dirty rat) has been hording food and stockpiling it there. we also found his gateway from the nether world, the hole in the sheetrock through which he gained entrance. disgusted, we cleared out the cabinet and set a trap with a tantalizing morsel of chicken.

at 1:30 am, the trap was triggered, but instead of blessed quiet, there was a great thrashing about, punctuated with rodent screams.
this was upsetting.
we dared not open the doors to the cabinet when clearly the DDR was not dead, and in fact, sounded quite fired up. i called the city, who referred me to a website which offered us rat data for nyc, but didn't mention who to call in the middle of the night when you have a live rat caught in a trap. by this time, it was very late, and hoping that perhaps it was a mortal injury and that the DDR would be dead by morning, we went to bed exhausted. i don't want rats where i live, but i also don't want to torture them, so it was difficult knowing that the Deed was not yet done.

unfortunately, as i lay in bed in the dark, i could hear the DDR battle with the trap. i slept off and on for a while, mostly off. a few brief hours later, i was up because i had i heard what sounded like something being dragged across the kitchen floor. i discovered that the DDR had pushed it's way out of the cabinet, crawled across the kitchen floor dragging the trap that was clamped onto a rear leg, and made its way up into a hole underneath another cabinet. but the trap wouldn't fit and the DDR couldn't go any further. it would've been so easy for me to reach down and release him and go back to bed hoping that we'd catch him another day, but i didn't. i couldn't stand that this wasn't a quick kill, but that DDR must die.

i woke ej. we decided that we would pull the trap with the DDR out of the hole, drop him into a long cardboard box and take him downstairs to the basement to make him an offer he couldn't refuse. (i didn't tell ej, but i was hoping to bow out of the proceedings right after the drop into the cardboard box.) with long bbq tongs, ej pulled on the trap.
squeal!! squeal!!
holy crap.
i wasn't prepared for the volume, or the intensity, or the general freakiness of it all. the DDR wouldn't come out. ej let go of the trap. i steeled myself and ej tried again.
squeal!! squeal!!!
jeeeezus!
this was giving me the heebie-jeebies. there was ej using the tongs to pull on a trap that was clamped onto a rat which was holding on for dear life to a hole in our cabinet. i could see the trapped leg, the back half of the DDR stretched out, but that determined rodent wouldn't come out. ej let go. he said he would try one last time, but that if that failed, we needed to call an exterminator. i agreed. one last time, ej pulled.
squealsquealsqueal!!!
i wanted to scream too.
the DDR wouldn't budge. ej let go and i ended up going down the street to where we'd seen an exterminator sign. they sent someone in about an hour and i was so relieved to hand over the rodent reins, i nearly hugged him.

theodore the exterminator surveyed the situation. he assured me that he would end the DDR's life as quickly and humanely as possible. my mom had joined me by this time and we left the apartment while theo did his job. i did not want to hear any more squealing, so i waited out on the sidewalk in front of our building. and waited. and waited. what could be taking so long? i found out that theo was also unable to pull the DDR out of the hole. he said he's done hundreds of rat removals, but he's never seen a situation like this. great. he calls anthony, a co-worker, to assist him and explains that they'll pump "tracking powder", a very potent poison, up into the crawl space and onto the rat to kill him first, that way they should be able to remove him more easily. they figured he would be dead within half an hour so we all left and came back over 30 minutes later only to find that this DDR, this king of the rats, was still very much alive. what the hell kind of horror movie creatures are these new york rats???

the exterminators shook their heads. plan c was to pry off the piece of cabinet that was helping to hold the rat in place. i was downstairs having a nice sit-down at this point. i heard them wrenching wood, i heard the DDR squealing, i heard the men yelling things like "get him!", "suffocate him!", and "hit him with the hammer!". then pound!pound!pound!, a scuffling of boots, more squealing and pounding. then quiet. that's when i went back upstairs.

i half expected blood to be splattered everywhere, but instead tools and pried moulding and a dusting of tracking powder covered the floor. the refrigerator was standing in the middle of the kitchen and the men were standing proudly, though wearily, with what appeared to be a touch of shell shock. the Deed was finally done.

what i saw when i got out of bed.

before the Deed: theo and anthony formulate the plan of attack.

after the Deed: catching their breath.

kitchen in disarray, theo collects the dead damned dirty rat.

nasty

anthony and theo: the heroes of third avenue.

crazy and complaining?

2008-11-14T08:17:00.002-05:00

one of the daily pills i take is a fabulous, immune-boosting supplement called astragalus. i just looked it up on wikipedia and learned that it's also known as locoweed or milk-vetch.

locoweed sounds like something i'd hear gabby hayes babble about as he does a little jig in an old western, and milk-vetch sounds like a yiddish dairy complaint. for some reason, that just makes my day.

damned dirty rat

2008-11-10T09:42:00.007-05:00

holy crap.
are you even kidding me??

living in new york, i've come to accept that life may be grittier than it had been in my previous life in california. part of that grit is the occasional mouse in the house. we refer to each one as "murray". sometimes we go months with no sign of murray. other times, a little murray will scurry along the wall at night. silent and, i confess, a little cute. if i could magically transport all the murrays from this building to a mousey sanctuary where they could frolick freely in their mousey-ness, i would. instead, traps have been set, and a murray was killed last week. i haven't seen murray since.

last night, i learned that i do not have the same feelings toward all rodents. sadly, a rat has made its presence known. a tenacious, hungry, and i'm sure ugly rat. during the six years that i've lived in this apartment, this is the first possibility of mano-a-mano with a rat. this creature is stronger and has better climbing abilities than murray. i've not seen him (ej has), but as i was laying in bed pre-dawn today, i could hear that damned dirty rat getting into something in the kitchen. i got so angry that i had visions of me sitting in the dark, baseball bat in hand, waiting to brain that nasty creature with one sure stroke. instead, i got out of bed and added an irresistibly creamy dab of peanut butter to the already loaded rat trap. i disposed of the bag of tainted danish wafers that sat on the kitchen floor. i found a wafer, alone and partially chewed in front of the fridge. i sanitized the kitchen table and baker's rack. the sun still wasn't up, so i waited. and hoped. nothing yet.

to my friends and family who will be visiting for thanksgiving (if indeed, they haven't had a sudden change of plans), i expect to have very good news regarding the rodent situation in the next 24 hours. it has helped that my mom is completely freaked out about this invasion because it makes me calmer. and focused. and ready to wage war.

rattus rigor mortis will be his name!

numero cinco or, no more bikinis for me

2008-11-06T21:24:00.009-05:00

well, today i sat in a recliner from 10:30 to 3:30 while toxic drugs were pumped into my system. this scenario is getting old for me and i've only had to do it five times, so far. it went smoothly so i shouldn't complain, but i will because i'm learning that my mounting mental resistance to accepting chemical crap is just as difficult as the physical side effects to it.

my oncologist came by while i was doing this intravenous tango and it looks like there will probably be a hysterectomy in my future. january. after ej and i return from a holiday excursion to the west coast. (january. the month i turn 43. perhaps he can do a little liposuction while he's in there as a birthday present to me. or will the lack of all those potentially problematic innards automatically flatten my belly?)

if i have a hysterectomy, it sounds like he's leaning toward performing the surgery old school style, one big vertical incision in the middle of my abdomen as opposed to the less invasive laparoscopic surgery. he says that the big cut would enable him to manually feel what's going on inside and he'll have a better view of my inner world. he'll also be able to use his hands to help remove the undesirable bits, instead of depending on only the tools of laparoscopic surgery, and through a small incision no less. if the surgery reveals even one tiny cell of cancer, i will return to the exact same course of chemo that i'm doing right now. ack. if no cancer is found, then i will probably have "maintenance" chemo, less drugs, less often (once a month, but for a year). hmm.

laparoscopic hysterectomy recovery time = approx 2 weeks.
old school hysterectomy recovery time = approx 6-8 weeks.
hmm, again.

another option is to do nothing and simply keep tabs on what's going on in my body. meh. i'm not so into waiting around hoping nothing appears.

at any rate, nothing has been decided yet. and i still have a full body scan to look forward to at the beginning of december. i'm eager to see what effect the current chemo has had on those nasty cancer nodules that they found in my lungs.

on the lighter side,
we have a fabulous president-elect who has foresight and can put together an intelligent sentence,
ej and i are going to take another cooking class a week from sunday,
wonderful friends and family will be visiting during thanksgiving week,
and i took a chi gong class at gilda's club that i absolutely love.

there. life is good.

eyebrows for obama

2008-11-04T20:03:00.007-05:00

today i voted.

it felt like a special occasion, not because i was voting, but because i was voting for obama. i decided to wear my wig. the first time since the day i got it. and heck, if i was going to break out the wig, then i may as well apply a little eyeliner. and a little color on my lips. and draw myself some eyebrows. i felt a tad groucho marx, but ej said they looked normal.

waiting in line, we looked more confused than we actually were.

the People wait outside.

the People wait inside.

the moment arrives!

dazed with the afterglow of voting.

escape from new york

2008-10-31T08:05:00.021-04:00

oh, to flee to the forest. that's exactly what ej and i did for a few days (thank you, hanna!) and it was great. we drove (even that was a treat) to upstate ny and stayed at a fabulous place called creek locks bed and breakfast. if you're ever near new paltz and need a place to stay, go there. kate makes deeeelicious breakfasts and john will set you up with gps to guide you anywhere you want to go. their golden retriever, indy, is perhaps the friendliest, most well behaved dog i've ever met. true, it was cold and rainy most of the time, but i enjoy hunkering down in a warm and cozy recliner and reading us weekly (it's important to be up on the latest news) as much as i enjoy a walk amongst the trees.

as a side note, i did notice that i felt much more aware of my baldness outside of new york city. i ended up keeping my hat on most of the time, even indoors because it never felt like the right time for The Reveal. as a result, it was really nice to chat with kate and john without having to discuss cancer.

crossing the george washington bridge and leaving nyc behind.

i see them! up ahead! on our way, we were happy to discover that there were still trees with color.

at the b&b, one of my favorite rooms was the library.

breakfast #1 included incredible lemon pancakes and local organic bacon. i could eat a lot of both. in fact, i had already started in on the piggy before i remembered to take a photo.

indy came by to say hello. and i'm pretty sure he also said, "i love you. you're both my favorites. out of everyone." that's kate in the background.

this is kate's husband, john. both are retired teachers. try to picture him with long hair and a full beard because that's what he looked like when he was a hippy in the 70's. he was at the first woodstock. we talked about traveling through europe. we discussed politics. the next morning, john left for pennsylvania where he was joining the obama campaign to make phone calls to voters.

because ej and i were the only guests, we were upgraded to the suite. this was our bathroom. i loved this bathroom and did some quality thinking here.

ah, the bedroom in our suite. that bed was so comfortable, all nestled in down. we even had a choice of soft or firm pillows. now that's luxury.

the view from one of our windows. below is the fire ring that we'll have to enjoy next time because this time we were met by cold, rain, and hail.

since hiking and kayaking were postponed, we took a drive and decided to visit hyde park, where fdr and eleanor roosevelt lived, but on the way we stopped to check out an old cemetery.

here, ej performs his impressive ode to the dead dance.

this is the house where fdr, eleanor, and fdr's mother, sarah, lived. for a while. until fdr had a separate house built for eleanor. i do believe she had her fill of her mother-in-law.

i took this photo before i found out that they don't allow any photography. it's a yummy room where lots of important things happened, none of which i remember.

this is another part of the same massive room. churchill may have sat in that chair. well, maybe not that petit chair.

out on the grounds, we discovered a gang of wild turkeys. ej showed off his realistic mating call and even did a little turkey dance, but none of them seemed to be interested. this was as they ran from us.

after the turkey encounter, we found the final resting place of fdr and eleanor.

we also visited the fdr presidential library and museum. this is his mother sarah who had a very imposing personality. we were told that when franklin was born, he was breech and weighed over 10 pounds. sarah never had another child. also, she didn't seem to care for eleanor very much. with all of the photos in their huge house, only one included eleanor.

we had a paraplegic president. i don't think that would happen these days, unfortunately. fdr worked hard to keep the extent of his physical challenges quiet, and the press cooperated.

fdr was 39 when he contracted polio and he never fully recovered the use of his legs.

when he was young, he enjoyed photography.

he gave a few of his fireside chats from this room in the presidential library. he had wheelchairs specially made for him because he didn't like the bulkiness of traditional wheelchairs. judging from the wheelchairs on display, he had a tiny hiney.

i love this painting of churchill.

fdr's loyal dog, fala.

sadly (maybe not sadly for you), by the time i got to the eleanor section of the museum, the battery in my camera died. i think eleanor was the bees knees, but the only photo i have of her memorabilia is this one of her suitcase and some uniform (i didn't read the info for that).

we drove back to the b&b and relaxed in the library, but made the mistake of waiting too long to go out to dinner. we left at 9:30pm and soon realized that we were not in nyc anymore. virtually every restaurant was closed except for a 24 hour diner on some highway that we found thanks to a kind stranger. i was so tired, i could have closed my eyes and slept right where i was.

hunger and weariness are not a good combination for us. and this is why we can never be a team on the amazing race.

this is how i see the world before i eat.

the next morning, indy was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. that, combined with the incredible aromas wafting from the kitchen, made me very happy.

i accidentally left my flash on and nearly blinded the poor thing.

i had been doing so well to lay off of sugar and caffeine, but i was not about to skip any part of kate's beautiful breakfast. this was her apple pear crisp with berries.

there was also homemade zucchini bread with chocolate chips to tide us over before the main course.

and then breakfast appeared. fluffy scrambled eggs with local goat cheese. baked tomato topped with bread crumbs, parmesan, and seasonings. homemade, that's right, homemade sausage. this photo doesn't do it justice. goodness gracious, i'm salivating just at the memory of it. seriously.

after breakfast, i waddled around. i had to take a photo of the floors because i loved them almost as much as i loved the food. wide planks, refinished, original to the house which was built in 1866. i felt like kneeling down and just touching the floor, but i restrained myself.

i tried to get a photo of kate and indy, but indy was quicker than i.

eventually, i stole a shot.

after we checked out of the b&b, we drove to a state park since it was our last chance to walk amongst some trees. the drive there was gorgeous.

there were whole groves of yellow light filtered through yellow leaves. fantastic.

the trail we picked overlooked lake minnewaska in the shawangunk mountains.

i'm being very good by including only a fraction of the tree photos that i took. it was those darn leaves that took hold of me.

pretty berries. when i was a child, i ate plenty of plants that were growing around the yard at the house where i grew up. my appetite was aggressive even then. i did manage to refrain from eating these berries. i've matured.

explorer fry: master of his universe

cracking ourselves up.

this is a caterpillar on the wrong side of a spider's web.

up in the mountains, there was snow!

i love snow!

my woodland nymph.

ok, last tree photo.

we tore ourselves away because we had to return the rental car. before i knew it, we were crossing the tappan zee bridge back into new york city. our trip was over just as we were starting to relax.

post script: we stopped at a salvation army thrift store while upstate, and ej found this sign in the electronics area. it was too good not to share.

wigging out

2008-10-25T23:43:00.009-04:00

yesterday, i tried on wigs because a volunteer at the chemo unit had told me that i could get a free wig through the american cancer society. although i was skeptical about wigs, i figured the price made it worth my while to give them a chance.

of course, i took my camera. i'm glad i did because the wigs made me feel like very different people.

prepped and ready to go.

karina led me into the wonderful world of wigs.

this is kimmie. she loves the cheap hot dogs at costco almost as much as she loves her kids.

christina. read the secret seven times. loves to roller boogie at central park.

rebecca. plays the football pools. and wins.

roberta. top earner in her department. used to be a man.

viv. wishes netflix had an online dating option.

karla. spent last new year's eve alone, then lied about it to her friends.

suzy. tivos oprah. saving up for lasik surgery.

amanda, aka "the general". knows all the best happy hours.

sheesh.
maybe i miss acting a little bit.

this was the winner of my own personal wig contest and the one i took home. i call her straight-haired sandra.

back on the streets

2008-10-22T09:14:00.003-04:00

ack.

i think i've made it through the post-chemo fog. sheesh! drugs and my body...a love/hate relationship.

last thursday i had round 4 of chemo and it went pretty well. my oncologist was surprised that my blood levels were normal. at this point in the treatment, my body should be a little more affected by the accumulated toxins, but that, my friend, is the beauty of acupuncture. i truly believe that needles and astragalus, both the doing of josh my wonderful acupuncturist, are the main reason why my body is doing relatively well.

it's not all roses. i've been taking a new drug to combat the itchiness and it has done a number on my intestinal process. there has been improvement in that department, so it's something i can live with, but the good part is that the itching is about 95% gone. what a relief! if it hadn't been for a woman in my support group who mentioned that she'd been prescribed gabapentin for itching, i'd still be suffering. it's a drug used mainly for epilepsy, and my oncologist had never heard of it used for chemo-related itching, so i'm the guinea pig for him. just like the acupuncture and the astragalus. hey baby, i'm doing my part for science. and apparently, i won't be having any seizures.

today, i'm going into the city to mingle with the everyday folk. it's sunny and currently 45 degrees, but there's going to be a high of 53 and this bald head is eager to get out there and feel some weather. i'm even going to shower for the occasion. yeeha!

challenging vs. brighter

2008-10-16T07:31:00.008-04:00

THE CHALLENGING SIDE:

it's 7:41am and i've been awake for at least an hour. the itching and hot flashes have driven me from my bed and to this keyboard. i often get hot flashes, day and night, as if i'm standing on a hot, humid subway platform and then stepping onto an air conditioned train, over and over again so it becomes an exercise on pulling on a jacket or throwing off the covers.

then there's the itching, a side effect of chemo. it's everywhere, and i mean everywhere, but luckily it's not constant. "hmm, that's unusual.", said my oncologist. the best he has to offer is benadryl, which makes me sleepy and sluggish, so i need to suck it up until the end of november with the assistance of acupuncture. it's a nerve thing and not a dry skin thing, so unfortunately no slathering of lotion will help. scratching makes my skin burn and brings no relief, so as much as i want to scratch away like a dog with pulgas, my version of fleas are being fought off with distractions of the mind, which work most of the time.

i've noticed that i get grouchy when i have medical appointments. last week, there was the flu shot, blood work and urinalysis, a visit with the oncologist (pelvic exam), and this week there was a sonogram of my liver because apparently some enzyme level is high. i get the results today when my doctor comes by during my chemo (round 4 out of 6!). i also got a letter from medicaid saying that in regard to my application, they need more information. they received an altered version of some form and need an unaltered version. blah blah blah. sigh. these are the times when i wish i lived in a cabin on a mountain top...

also, i'm down to 1 1/2 eyebrows. my right one is slowly leaving me, one hair at a time.

THE BRIGHTER SIDE:

i have support systems in place for mind and body. (this is in addition to the leagues of people in the world, friends, family, and complete strangers, who think of me and make me strong.) yesterday, was a triple play of Team Sandra at work: acupuncture, therapy, support group. and there was a movie thrown in as well (Man on Wire. go see it!) i was so happy just to have the endurance to spend a whole day in the city. i was out and about like all the other crazed new yorkers around me. i felt normal!

it's also been homecoming week here. two old friends who have known me since the dawn of time, malia and erin, flew from california and colorado respectively, mainly to see me. erin brought old photos and notes from grade school and high school that made us laugh like hyenas. it was fantastic. the day they left was the day my old friend kevin arrived, so ej and i had a really nice visit with both kevin and his sister, kristin. our parents went to high school together along with erin's, and it's the same high school that the three of us attended as well, (mater dei. go monarchs.), so it feels like a bond beyond our friendship. i like that.

other happy pastimes have been books (The Life of Pi - the ending really took me by surprise, and currently The Secret Life of Bees - found it on my bookshelf and am quite enjoying it. apparently any title with "life" in it i'll read), netflix (the brit series "manor house" - thumbs up, and just began "flight of the conchords" - another thumbs up), and, of course, food.

i should also add that i haven't had to shave or pluck for many weeks now. and i'm saving money on all the hair products i don't have to buy. showers are quicker. i've met excellent people that i probably would not have met otherwise. my mama's home cooking is being made right here in my kitchen. and obama is ahead in the polls. i really can't complain. so i won't.

woof

2008-10-09T13:01:00.006-04:00

i love dogs. here are a few who have brightened my days.

"p-nut" and "ocho", portland, oregon.

"shiva shambo", denver, colorado.

"sedona", denver, colorado.

"winston", brooklyn, ny.

on saturday, my mom and i were walking through washington square park when we came upon a large crowd of people, each of whom had a dachshund. many of these dogs were dressed. in clothes. of course, i had to take pictures.

julia child would be proud

2008-10-05T19:39:00.011-04:00

a few weeks ago, ej and i took a cooking class. it was called "cook for your life" and it's offered free of charge to those affected by cancer. we had so much fun and for a few hours i was so focused on the task at hand that i didn't have time to think about anything else. fantastic. it was also the first time i went public (not counting online) with my baldness. Ann, our fearless leader, suggested i go commando, so i nervously removed the scarf from my head and donned my chef hat. i don't know what i was so nervous about. i was surrounded by people who'd already been down the very same road.

at the end of the evening when i took off that hat, i was feeling brave and didn't put my scarf back on. by the time i left, three people in the class had complimented me on my head. never in a million years did i think i'd ever be in a position where someone would tell me what a finely shaped head i have. you'd better believe that after class, i walked through the streets of new york with my naked head held high. it also helped that i was fed and happy.

chef ej

i look as if i'm at a nudie cooking school.

the blonde woman is ann, who founded the program. she's a chef and two-time cancer survivor.

here are a couple of goofballs massaging chicken with a smoked paprika rub.

ej has big hands. this was his oj impression. i call it, "ej does oj".

this was the first time in my life that a hat was too big for me. if i hadn't been wearing glasses to hold it up, i would've had to cut two holes in the hat to be able to see.

the class was held at the institute of culinary education in manhattan. this is looking up at the mirror over the cooking area.

there were three teams making complete meals. this dish was one of ours. it's on its way to becoming poached chicken with white beans and tomatoes. it was sooo good.

ej starts assembling one of the desserts.

it looks like someone cut my floating head from another photo and pasted it onto this one. weird.

they took such good care of us during class. a team of bartenders made sure we always had a refreshing beverage and generally kept us entertained. here's one who's also an actor. can you tell?

each team had it's own chef/instructor. ours was the woman on the left.

there was a great mix of students there, young and more mature, all colors. the fella on the right was another chef/instructor.

the woman on the left was the third chef.

this is only a portion of the masses of food that was made and it was all tasty. we even got to take some home.

of course, the paparazzi had to take photos.

my dinner: a delicious smorgasbord.

this class was so wonderfully organized, quality ingredients, good teachers, access to professional tools, friendly bartenders, plenty of recipes to take home...it was brilliant and i can't wait for the next class.

fashion forward

2008-10-03T17:33:00.003-04:00

so i'm puttering around the apartment when i pass the mirror and realize that on days when i don't have to be anywhere, i really do lose all sense of what i might look like to the outside world.

a shout out to my peeps

2008-09-29T10:27:00.006-04:00

a few weeks ago, i was lucky enough to have a visit from my goddaughter, destiny, and her mom (my cousin), jeanette. they brought so much sunshine during their whirlwind weekend that i'm still glowing from it.

this was their first trip to new york.

i was happy to join them for special moments like this one.

my mom and i got tattooed.

and then we all hung out at Hawg House with the motorcycle boys.

we had beautiful weather for our adventures.

like getting caught in the act with our invisible spray cans.

des and i at the brooklyn bridge.

new york pizza was on their list of things to experience. we had to pay extra for the brooklyn guy to provide atmosphere in the background.

three blind mice

what i'm left with in the end.

spoke too soon

2008-09-27T11:13:00.002-04:00

ok, yesterday, soon after i wrote that the effects of chemo usually hit me 3-5 days after treatment, i was hit with hot and cold flashes, the fine line between nauseated and hungry, and the overwhelming need to lay down. i just want to be accurate in my reporting here.

halfway there

2008-09-26T11:35:00.003-04:00

my goodness, i've got a lot of catching up to do. the latest is that i had my third round of chemo yesterday and it went well! once again, the same two potential obstacles were not a problem: my white blood cell count was good and the cost of the treatment was fully covered by the Fund (thank you to all the donors looking out for me. you made this possible!). hopefully, medicaid will kick in before the next round on oct. 16.

we got to the chemo unit at 9:30 and i was done by 4:30, which is a two hour improvement from the last time. there was television, reading, lunch to keep me busy. and there was a visit from dear dr. weinreb, the surgeon for my first two surgeries. it's always great to see his smiling face. my mom was with me in the morning and ej took the afternoon shift. the only snafu of the day was that the first needle for my iv slipped out before the nurse had a chance to tape it down. she was unable to get it back in, so she had to poke me again in another vein. other than that, it was an easy day in chemoland. actually, i felt pretty good afterward and walked all the way home with ej. and i'm feeling pretty darn good today. must be all the steroids i'm taking. i've learned that the dip for me as far as feeling chipper usually happens somewhere between days 3-5 after chemo.

it's raining here today! a perfect day to catch up on blogging and watch dvds. i love the rain, but i hope it doesn't make my hair too frizzy.

my left hand at the end of the day yesterday. wave to the bears.

me and my chemo brain

2008-09-19T11:11:00.013-04:00

so, there is a side effect of chemotherapy called "chemo brain". this is when the drugs from chemo make it difficult to focus, remember things, or multitask. other than the occasional word accidentally omitted from an email, i figured i was doing alright. most of my life, i've been challenged by my short-reaching memory, so i figured, really, how much worse could it get? do you see where this is going?

on wednesday, i was standing in line at a produce stand at the union square farmer's market. as i was waiting my turn to pay for some beautiful chiles, i was catching up with my sister on the phone. when i reached the cashier, i asked my sister to hold for a moment. i paid for the chiles, put my change in my wallet, got out of the way of the other customers (it was a very popular stand) and was feeling like quite the functioning part of society. as i walked through the rest of the market with ej and my mom, i enjoyed the sunshine on my face and the cool breeze blowing through the stubble on my head. what a beautiful day. then i realized that for some reason, i was carrying my cell phone in my hand. there was no one on the other end. that was weird. i put it in my purse as we decided that it was time for lunch. fast forward to the three of us sitting at a table at a lovely korean restaurant on 13th street. the window was wide open, lush plants decorated the room, the anticipation of a good lunch hung in the air. gosh, it was good to be out!

and then it hit me. at least half an hour must've passed from the moment i bought the chiles to the moment i remembered that i had been in mid-conversation with my sister when my mind decided to walk away. i never even had the nagging feeling that i'd forgotten something. not once! after lunch, i called my sister to apologize and she laughed it off.

sheesh. pretty soon, anytime i leave the apartment, they're going to have to pin a note to my shirt saying, "my name is sandra. if found, please return to...".

food + football = friday night fun

2008-09-16T09:04:00.005-04:00

it feels strange to include anything about fundraising in this blog, but i love my sister and this is a favor to her, who as been working so hard on my behalf. so for those in southern california...

Please join us, Friday 9/19 at The Corner Office Sports Bar & Grill, 580 Anton #201, Costa Mesa (across from So Coast Plaza) to eat, drink and enjoy the televised Mater Dei High School football game! TELL YOUR SERVER YOU ARE PART OF "THE MATER DEI GROUP" AND A PORTION OF THE PROCEEDS COLLECTED THAT NIGHT WILL BENEFIT SANDRA'S FUNDRAISER! Our family is a group of MD alumns, Louie '57, Sally '61, Sandra '83, Deanna '87. Thank you Mater Dei Alumni Association for your amazing generosity! Come as early as 5pm and enjoy dinner from the full menu, or simply relax with a drink! Game starts at 7:30pm!

it's shearing season and guess who's the lamb

2008-09-11T18:39:00.005-04:00

this one goes out to eric.

the time came for a new look. i wanted something sassy, yet easy to manage. this in-between look, this fright wig fiasco i had going on was just not working. i mean, who did i think i was fooling?
it certainly wasn't enough hair to go out in public without frightening young children, yet it was more than enough to annoyingly leave renegade hairs all over the apartment, so i decided it was time to go kojak.

it was ej who played barber. i was not at all concerned that he had just finished a mug of highly caffeinated italian coffee. his nerves are like steel.

i don't know how this picture of a crotchety old man getting a haircut got in here.

"please let my head be a normal shape. please let my head be a normal shape."

i get my "must take photo" gene from my mom.

i laughed when i saw this because it looked like ej was conducting a ritual, but i'm realizing that it was a sort of rite of passage.

and voila! the finished product yet untouched by the elements. 42 years and that scalp has never seen the light of day. until now.

old chipmunk cheeks would like to thank her stylist...

a day in the new life

2008-09-09T19:18:00.005-04:00

going on auditions was never quite like this.

not once did i leave the apartment today, and yet the day exhausted me. hours were spent on the phone. randy at the american cancer society signed me up for a local workshop of "Look Good, Feel Better" so that i can learn to feel better about how i'm looking these days. gayle at the patient advocate foundation sat with me on the phone as we navigated through government offices trying to learn the status of my medicaid and disability applications. which twisted humans composed that hold music? and if i weren't saturated with chemotherapy, i'd have never stayed on the phone through multiple menus where you not only push buttons, but have to say carefully articulated words to an automated operator, just to have the live operator (if you're lucky to get to him/her) ask you the same questions over again and then not offer up any new information in return.

the good news is that i did get one call back. "hello, ms. whole-gwin. i checked on your application and your case was adjudicated just today. you have been found by the state of new york to be disabled. congratulations!" well, she didn't say "congratulations", but why not? the world is upside down because one day i'm excited to be pumped with toxins and the next i'm thrilled to be legally disabled. is it really that far from the director's call saying, "you got the part!"?

and now, i lay on my futon, joints aching, intestines confused, and i feel quivery and weak as if i've been carrying bags of bowling balls up and down the stairs all day. i know the view from here very well now. a peek at the buildings across the street. the ceiling fan. and the camera that's always with me.

looking out window#1

turn my head slightly to the right, and there's window #2

my friend, the fan

she looks vaguely familiar...

2 down, 4 to go

2008-09-05T12:42:00.007-04:00

yesterday, i visited the chemo unit for my second round of chemotherapy. i was a little apprehensive because a couple of variables were up in the air. since we were footing the bill, i was concerned about what the exact charge would be. luckily, we were armed with a fair amount in the benevolent account that was set up for this, and because so many friends, family members, and complete strangers donated to The Cause after they received my sister's letter, i felt we had a good chance of not being turned away due to lack of funds. and i was right! we even have enough for future rounds of chemo! i can be healed! i never thought i'd be so eager to be shot up with toxins, but i was. thanks again to all who have contributed and continue to lend their support not just financially, but through comments on this blog, funny emails, photos, and voice mails that cheer me on. my recovery is possible because of every single one of you. jeez, i'm getting misty-eyed again.

secondly, i was concerned that my treatment would be postponed if my white blood cell count was too low. it wasn't! i believe that my mom's good cooking and a visit to Josh the Fabulous Acupuncturist were what put me in prime condition to receive the chemo. and receive i did. we were there from 9:30am to 6:30pm, but it went well! (the only down side to the day was that i didn't get the scheduled visit from either of my oncologists while i was there.) i even felt good enough to walk home, eat dinner (homemade papas con chorizo tacos), and catch up on some emails. this morning, i still feel good and i haven't even had to dip into my special stash of happy anti-nausea pills yet! i'm resting and relieved that it's going this well and i'm optimistic that it will continue to go well.

this really is a team effort. it takes a village to heal a sandra.

at the chemo unit they handed out snacks. it doesn't take much to make me happy.

at the beginning of the day, all these chairs were filled with cancer patients in addition to two other rooms of chairs and people in the waiting room. by the end of the day, this was my view. being the party animals that we are, we were the last to leave. nothing like closing down the chemo unit. dude.

ninja warrior princess as seen by skye

2008-09-05T11:55:00.007-04:00

skye steele is a tremendous violinist, but i've learned that his creativity leaks into the visual arts as well. here is what he sent me and i just couldn't keep it all to myself (please click on the photo to see it close up and truly appreciate his artistry).

easy ways to feel good

2008-09-05T09:44:00.008-04:00

ok.

as much as i don't want to be defined by my cancer, there's no denying that it has taken center stage in my life for the moment, so today i'm passing along some tidbits that i have found to be easy ways to help The Cause.

my mom and i have joined gilda's club. it's a national organization founded in memory of gilda radner

(comic actress who died of ovarian cancer) that offers social and emotional support to people affected by cancer - patients, family, and friends - all for free. we visited the clubhouse in manhattan and were met with such a welcoming, comfortable environment that i can't wait to indulge in a restorative yoga class or maybe the chi gong or gourmet fitness classes. gourmet fitness! apparently, you taste yummy food and workout in a chair! finally, a health regime that makes sense to me!

it was at gilda's club that i learned of goodsearch.com and goodshop.com. if you need to search for things on the internet, you can do it at goodsearch.com (powered by yahoo search) and every time you do, they'll donate to the charity of your choice. i chose gilda's club-new york city. it's so easy!

and if you ever do online shopping, maybe even more exciting is the chance to shop through goodshop.com. every time you make a purchase through the stores listed at goodshop.com (good ones like amazon, ebay, target, and zappos, for example), goodshop will make a donation of up to 30% of your purchase to the charity of your choice. again, so easy!

lastly, you may have heard about a special being aired tonight called "stand up to cancer". it airs for one hour starting at 8pm pt/et without commercial interruption on all three networks simultaneously. that alone is amazing. since our government has continually cut back on cancer research every year, SU2C is raising money that will sidestep bureaucracy and get funding and resources to the most innovative and talented cancer researchers out there, while facilitating collaboration between these scientists. sounds good to me. and there'll be plenty of celebrities that are easy on the eyes to make it even more worth your while to watch like salma hayek, jessica alba, and halle berry. or, if you prefer funny, homer and marge simpson, ellen degeneres, and jack black will also be making appearances. i figured i could spare an hour tonight to check out what this organization has to say.

mind the gap - if you dare

2008-09-05T09:14:00.003-04:00

this one goes out to my friend, donny.

i think it helps me to know the reality of what's going on with my body, and aren't you lucky? i feel compelled to share that with the world. the gaps in my hair are spreading.

who is this old lady??

overwhelmed

2008-09-01T12:38:00.003-04:00

oh dear.

my sister sent out a letter about my current situation to people who know me and i am floored by the waves of love, kindness, and generosity that have been sent back to us in response.

i really start to get weepy just thinking about it. so does my mom. and my sister. and my dad. we've got waterworks going on both coasts. even people who have never met me have reached out to me.

crap. i can't even type this without getting teary.

at this moment, i feel as if nothing at all is wrong with me. i feel invincible and it's only because of all the love that's holding me up.

how does "thank you" even begin to be enough? i have no choice but to fully recover. jeez, this post is not the smoothest i've ever written.

D-Day

2008-08-26T18:05:00.008-04:00

even though my hair has been somewhat of a trademark for me, i thought i was mentally prepared for the time when the chemo would cause it to fall out.

i was not.

i braided my hair this morning, and as i separated each side into three sections, i noticed that quite a bit more hair was coming off on my fingers than usual. had the Day arrived? i went for a walk with my mom afterwards, and i could feel myself becoming more and more uptight and less and less tolerant of...everything. i was suddenly anxious to get home and deal with this hair issue. as soon as we got back, i went into the bathroom to shower and wash my hair, knowing that that would be the real test. as soon as i closed the bathroom door behind me, the tears started. i thought i was being so brave, but as soon as a few extra hairs started leaving my head, on came the waterworks. suddenly, i felt exhausted and fed up and i didn't have the desire to deal with any of the challenges of having cancer, particularly forcing myself to wash my hair and not knowing if i'd have any left afterwards.

ej knocked on the door. after some hugs and a good cry, i felt better able to step into the shower. the shampooing went pretty well, but it was the conditioning and detangling that proved that i had not been imagining things. my hair was thinning at a remarkably fast rate. i made a pile of hair at the far end of the shower and when i was done, i still had some left on my head. hurrah!

i asked my mom to cut my hair short. somehow it seems that short hair would make the transition to baldness a little easier. my mom separated it into little ponytails, per the instructions on the "hip hats with hair" website. (i think i'm going to order the "scarfabulous". thank you, hanna, for discovering this!) of course, each step was documented with photographs.
ready?

this is the pile of hair i left behind in the shower. it looked as if some animal had crawled into the tub.

before the cutting began.

the ponytails

the first cut. am i laughing or am i crying? it looks like someone slipped something into my drink. or it looks like i need a drink.

luckily, i started out with plenty of hair, so even after the massive thinning, there was still plenty to cut off.

the Half and Half

the Harvest

cleaning it up

the Scarf Look.
i wouldn't mind keeping it this length.
let's see how long it lasts.

bullet points of the last 24 hours

2008-08-22T19:01:00.005-04:00

yesterday, i went for walk and was quite light-headed the entire time. today, i went for a longer walk and actually felt as if my feet were touching the sidewalk instead of floating three feet above it. yay for small improvements!
i've had headaches every afternoon for the last three days, but not today!
i've noticed that in those quiet moments when i'm resting my eyes, my mind is no longer obsessively going over scenes from my hospital stay. since i got home, my thoughts would always involuntarily flash back on the events from while i was a patient, trying to find some sense in a nonsensical time of my life. moments would play and replay in my head as i tried to work out what exactly happened to me. that's not happening anymore. so i guess that's progress!
this morning, i wrote out thank you cards for a few hospital staff members who were particularly kind to me. it seemed a little strange to try and compose what essentially amounted to: "Dear Dr. So-and-So, Thank you for saving my life. I really appreciate it. Best of luck to you. Sincerely, Sandra"
it looks like my next cycle of chemo on sept 4 will have to be paid out of pocket because medicaid won't be approved, if it's approved, until the end of september at the earliest. this means that i have to ask my family to help me cover it. i don't care for that at all. i've never had a lot of money, but i've also never ever had to ask my family for a loan. it's bad enough that they have to fork out money to fly out here just to be with me. ( it's very difficult for me to accept help, particularly of the money variety.) there's a lesson there somewhere. sigh.
on a happier note, my sister is here for the weekend!
lastly, every time i wash my hair, i'm half expecting handfuls to fall out. i washed my hair this morning. i still have hair!!

when i'm feeling blue, i think of colonoscopies

2008-08-20T12:00:00.003-04:00

there were many brochures and pamphlets available at the hospital, but only one made me giggle, and still does. this illustration attempted to ease the patient's mind about what to expect during a colonoscopy. enjoy.

and you call yourself a latina

2008-08-19T10:39:00.003-04:00

my friend david is here visiting from california! just 24 hrs in nyc to say hello. he says i look the same as i always have (so does my mom), but i think they're being generous. i have eyes and i can see that any curves i used to have seem to have slipped right off of my body. my nalgas no longer provide any cushion when seated, but thanks to my mom's home cooking, my pansa is beginning to make a comeback. pretty soon you can call me ol' pot-belly chicken legs.

the visuals

2008-08-16T18:11:00.017-04:00

when i was in the hospital, i was not taking photos at my usual obsessed rate. i actually turned the camera off during surgeries and other unattractive procedures. here are a few that i managed to snap in my more lucid moments.

day 1: i had no idea what was awaiting me.

i let my hair down. i was figuring this hospital business was a piece of cake.

the support crew enjoying some daytime television.

self-portrait #1: hair tied with gauze, the Fountain Look.

mama crashes at home.

self-portrait #2: wandering the hallway of the 8th floor

one of my many beds.

the exciting view from that bed.

if you stood near the window and leaned toward the right, you could see manhattan.

daytime drama

dear sweet gypsy visits.

self-portrait #3: don't let this happen to you.

there are always calls to be made.

breakfast in my fancy single room.

even a window-washer visited me.

self-portrait #4: puppy love

debating on blogging about the food.

exhaustion was rampant.

but the support team was always ready with a smile.

dear david visited me from the far away island of manhattan.

and harry was a ray of sunshine. he was very excited to read the menu from five guys burgers.

ej's mom, hanna, was a godsend.

here she is as flower arranger in my bathroom.

the bobsey twins.

if you stood near the window and leaned toward the left, you could see the brooklyn waterfront and nyc's first ikea store.

self-portrait #5: when can i go home?

the nurses' station on the cancer floor.

my last day in the hospital! i was hooked up for my first round of chemo, but a girl's gotta eat.

dr. weinreb came to see me! he performed my first two surgeries. he's one of my favorites.

there was some sort of hullaballoo right before my first surgery. it was the middle of the night, i hadn't eaten since midnight the night before, i was waiting outside the operating room when it became apparent that someone wanted my surgery postponed until morning. dr. weinreb vehemently argued on my behalf and because of that, i was able to start this whole process that much sooner.

i may not have been smiling when he first told me i have cancer, but all the other times i saw him he made me laugh.

side view of some of the surgical handiwork. the smaller taped area is where they removed the tumor and my right ovary. the larger gauze is covering the incisions for the lung biopsies.

the alpha and the omega of my team of doctors: dr. yunayev. this is the person i met the very first time i entered the er and this is the last doctor i saw before i left the hospital. he constantly kept tabs on me no matter what floor i was transferred to, was present for my first two surgeries, gave me hugs, encouragement, listened to what i had to say, and one night, personally delivered a gorgeous cheeseburger, cajun fries, and coke to me just to help me feel a little more human. needless to say, i'm a big, big fan.

my first cycle of chemotherapy. when i was done with this, i went home! see how easy?

strength through nana's recipe

2008-08-16T15:37:00.004-04:00

my parents are in my kitchen making tacos de papas con chorizo. it smells heavenly. after a light-headed, wobbly morning, i'm feeling fortified by the coming vision of a plate of those savory, homemade delicacies. the aztec gods are jealous.

my new life

2008-08-13T15:50:00.003-04:00

yesterday i took my first shower in two weeks. hot water and soap are a magical combination. throw in some shampoo, and all is right with the world. well, kinda.

my little trip to the er turned out to be more than i bargained for. i've been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and it has spread to my lungs. in the past two weeks, i've had three surgeries, countless iv's, shots, probing tests of both the manual and hi-tech nature, a very nasty encounter with a long, wide tube that was aimed for my stomach, but entered through my nose, my first colonoscopy (i need to eat more fiber), my first mammogram (all clear), assorted catheters (not so bad), and my first cycle of chemotherapy (better than i feared).

i've also encountered so many wonderful doctors and nurses that i've been overwhelmed by more than their professional dedication, but also by their genuine kindness. one doctor brought me magazines that he knew i'd like. another brought me a cheeseburger and fries. others were giving me bear hugs and visiting me and researching support groups for me. these were my doctors! i could cry just thinking about it.

i'm home now. my body is battered and bruised. i took a good look at it yesterday. it looks vaguely familiar, but with the wounds of what looks like i was in a knife fight, or perhaps kicked around by a horse. i'm exhausted, but i'm surrounded by people who love me, and that makes all the difference.

it looks like i may have to change the name of my url from curlywithglasses.blogspot.com to "curly with cancer". or eventually, "bald with glasses".

photos to come.

my trip to the ER

2008-07-28T09:27:00.002-04:00

so, i've had this mysterious pain in my side since june, and on thursday i finally made a visit to the emergency room to deal with it once and for all. ej and i arrived there at 5:30 am and were there all day. i got to wear a very attractive gown

and some nice woman fed me vicodin for the pain. in between bouts of drowsiness, i finally figured out that their mod-looking coat rack was actually for iv's. just when i thought i was oh so worldly. and i mustn't forget that there were also two pelvic exams, one internal pelvic sonogram, and for the grand finale, a rectal exam. i felt as if i'd been abducted onto a spaceship.

turns out i have a dermoid cyst on my right ovary. it's also known as a germ cell tumor. today, i go back to the hospital to have the cyst, and most likely my ovary removed. i've never been under anesthesia or had surgery of any sort, so it should be an adventure. i'm taking my camera, of course.

pasta burritos...

2008-07-13T09:01:00.004-04:00

yesterday, i had an audition in soho for a radio show. in the lobby of the building, the security guard asked for my name and she instantly knew how to spell "Holguin". this is very unusual. she said she once knew someone from ecuador with the same name. and that the grandfather of that family was from italy. no wonder why part of me felt as if i were returning to the motherland when i was in italy.

how much for the monkey?

2008-06-28T18:03:00.003-04:00

ej had a stoop sale today and i stopped by to get a little fresh air, sunshine, and interaction out amongst humanity. it's funny what we thought would sell and what actually sold. i thought for sure the first things to go would be the baker's rack and the cool t-shirt with the 70's style graphic of a man with an afro doing kung fu that says "clobber the mob -- black belt jones". or maybe the stylin' kangol hats or at least a few of the vinyl records. but no. the first thing to go was a pair of used mens shoes. two extension cords. a dusty, plastic plant.

some hip dude in sunglasses, dressed in black was checking out the menswear, then kept on walking only to return two seconds later to ask, "how much for the monkey?". a small, furry monkey sat atop the baker's rack, smiling pleasantly upon the passersby. he sold for 50 cents. i enjoyed watching that guy hand over two quarters so that he could clutch that little monkey as he strolled down 7th avenue.

the neighborhood zany lady stopped to ask about the red, fold-out, chinese fan.
"where did that come from?"
"chinatown."
"was it in a chinese restaurant?"
"no."
"because i want to know if it had pesticides sprayed on it."
"no, it's pesticide-free."
so she bought it.

and then there were the two boys that stopped to do some serious shopping. they were both about 12 years old. one was looking through the records, but the other was asking about the flask. he explained that the one he had at home was broken. a hole in the bottom. it looked as if there was going to be a sale, but he put it down when he spied a treasure: a used wok. it was hidden under two very used frying pans, but he brought it out for a better look. he was very excited. to his friend, "look! a wok!"
"a what?"
"a wok! you know, for chinese food."
"ohhh. a wok." the friend laughs.
"how much for the wok?"
"a dollar!"
his friend: "a dollar! you can pay that!"
as he paid for his wok, this boy, this non-asian, curly-haired boy spoke mandarin to ej. "how are you?", he asked. luckily, ej knows a few phrases and was able to respond in chinese. satisfied, the boy walked off with his friend and his new wok, throwing a last "xiexie" (thank you) over his shoulder.

it was a good day to be out amongst humanity.

the hairball of happiness

2008-06-22T13:22:00.005-04:00

yesterday, i visited dean and gypsy. more than good friends, they are my family in new york. they are also my landlords. dean is a veteran of the stage and i enjoy asking him what new york was like back in the day. yesterday, we talked about when he was new to the big bad city. his first visit was in 1944 and he was here for about a month, by which time his savings had dwindled down to just the train fare back to oklahoma. he moved here permanently in 1947, and he remembers that the subway cost only a nickel. of course, there was no air conditioning on the trains back then, so he would ride in between the cars to at least feel the movement of air, hot as it was. this was apparently also a very good spot to warm up the ol' vocal chords on the way to an audition. the image of a young dean standing between subway cars, singing at the top of his lungs, his hair wild with the rush of air as the train hurtles through dark underground tunnels makes me very happy.

he referred to me as a little "ball of happiness" when i was saying goodbye. considering my own moptop, i suggested that "hairball of happiness" might be more accurate, and he laughed. then he started singing to the tune of "bluebird of happiness", but inserted "hairball" instead. we all laughed. they might think that i stop by to be nice or to do dean a favor since he's recovering from a massive stroke. the reality is that hearing dean's stories of days gone by does me even more good than his telling does him.

i dare you to cross that line

2008-06-22T12:18:00.000-04:00

wow.
i have so much to learn about the world of blogging. i just took a cruise through a few "blogs of note", and they look very professional -- high quality photos, games, polls, links to all sorts of things. i don't really want to clutter up my blog, but i do want it to look more personal than the standard template that i chose, so i've added a photo to my header. i've no idea how to transform it into a long, sleek rectangle like the ones i've seen, and heaven forbid i actually go to the "help" section to find out. no, no, i must learn through trial and error.

i don't know why i'm stuck in this "i can do it myself" mentality. i didn't really realize how much it pervades so many parts of my life until now. a friend suggested that i ask my parents for a loan to finance the purchase of a digital slr camera. if i can't afford it on my own, using my own methods, then i feel i shouldn't own it, even though i've been wanting to upgrade from my point-and-shoot for over a year. i'm reluctant to even use this as an example because at some point my parents may read this entry and i don't want it to seem as if this is some backhanded way of asking for a loan. and how long did it take me to ask actor friends for references in my search for an agent? how many letters to agents did i send out cold, asking for representation? lots. and how many replies? zero. i was even reluctant to go see a doctor yesterday, and why? because i thought i could heal myself? would it hurt to ask for a little assistance once in a while?

i think there's a fine line between self-reliance and pride. and even typing "i think i need to make sure i don't cross that fine line" leads me to believe that i've already crossed into pride. maybe it's not about asking for help at all. maybe it's simply a reluctance to admit that i too am human.

jeez. what an ego.

your intestines and you

2008-06-21T12:07:00.000-04:00

ej had been nagging me to go, and so i did.

this morning, after over two weeks of some mystery abdominal pain, i finally went to see a doctor. dr. patel told me that i have colitis. woohoo! my intestines are inflamed! after leaving $100 and a vial of blood behind, i picked up my antibiotics and went home.

no wonder why i've been so tired lately. i thought it was just my body aging, although i'm sure it's some of that too. thankfully, it doesn't affect my appetite.

at least, i have a good excuse for not exercising.
for now.

june is bustin' out all over

2008-06-20T10:14:00.000-04:00

it's been a lucky week for me.

i won a gift certificate to ikea.
i shot a scene for a short film.
i tried another recipe from papa anzani and it looked closer to what it should than my purple risotto did.

this is my first attempt at pasta alla carlofortino.

it has tomatoes, good tuna, red onions, capers, and pesto. i do need to find a smaller pasta. it tasted pretty darn good, but i know i can do better.

a forgotten sign in upscale soho. i just like it.

and then yesterday...
i show up at sunset park in brooklyn, ready to shoot my scene. the day could not have been more gorgeous. i'd never been in this park, so i was happy to discover that in the distance is the skyline of lower manhattan, and if you have a magnifying glass, the statue of liberty.

this is guerrilla, no-budget filmmaking. The Crew: director, sasha santiago.

he gets his blonde hair and blue eyes from his german mother, and his fluency in spanish from his puerto rican father.

The Cast: myself, and my scene partner, wendell jordan. it's hard to believe that this guy is 35 years old. he looks young in person, but for some reason, he looks sixteen in this photo.

i hope i wasn't making this face during the scene; captured for all eternity in a film. it looks as if i sucked on a lemon. go ahead, click on the photo, your day will start to look even better.

i think i scared him.

even though our scene was fairly serious, we laughed quite a bit between takes.

we thought we were in the quiet area of the park, but brooklyn being brooklyn, we battled car alarms, police sirens, large, banging delivery trucks, and some arbitrary woman walking through the background of our scene yelling at the top of her lungs, "barbara! barbara!". really, we had no choice but to laugh.

this was my difficult "walking" bit of the scene. i needed a few minutes to prepare; stretching, vocal warm-ups (even though there were no lines for this portion, i wanted to be ready), some sense-memory exercises to tap into my emotional well. i think my technique brought an organic feel to the moment; an authenticity, particularly the way i'm suddenly looking directly into the camera. very natural. i'm pretty sure i'll get some sort of award for this.

it was a good day and we went for mexican food afterward (huevos rancheros con salsa verde -- not bad, good cheese). during filming, sasha had been very open to any ideas we brought to the table and it made me want to do more, make more films, surround myself with people i respect and enjoy working with, all toward one common cause. the fact that the sun was shining and the birds were singing didn't hurt either. it all made me giddy and i found myself jabbering on during lunch in a way that i normally don't. or perhaps my brown brethren slipped something into the salsa verde because words were spilling out of my mouth a mile a minute, as if i'm only allowed to socialize with other humans once a year. i'm shaking my head at the thought of it.

still, seeing sasha out there with his camera and seeing how much he enjoyed it reminded me that making films, or really, making any kind of art, is completely within the reach of anyone who wants it. i love that. that's the kind of reality i want to live in. that's what gets me excited. you want to create something?
great.
do it.

i just love that.

back on brooklyn time

2008-06-16T10:53:00.001-04:00

so, i made risotto for the first time the other night. i mostly followed the recipe given to me by laura's dad, papa anzani. i didn't have any saffron to make it milanese style, and although it's not the same thing, i did add some zucchini like in the risotto i had for dinner in bergamo. papa anzani's recipe calls for a small glass of red wine to be added. i think i put in too much wine. is the risotto supposed to be purple?

it did taste pretty good, despite the color.

ej and i also visited the art exhibit of my friends, ayumi and aaron. this show had its opening reception while we were in italy, and it made me so sad that i couldn't be here for them. it did make me pretty happy that i could still see the show when i got back. actually, looking at this photo, i appear freakishly happy to see their "worlds of wonder" show.

together, ayumi and aaron are known as apak. they're based out of portland, oregon and do some amazing work. this tiny painting was one of my favorites. it was only about 5 inches tall. it's even better in focus.

i first met ayumi when we were both custom picture framers in berkeley, california. we bonded over food and she became like my "imouto" -- my little sister.

it's been years since we've seen each other in person, and i can't wait until she can meet ej and we sit down at a meal together again.

this past week, i also auditioned for a short film in bushwick. and i got the part! it's a small role, but i like the director's work. we shoot my scene on thursday.

this was on the subway. it's by e.b. white (author of "charlotte's web") and i just liked what he had to say. (you can click on the photo to enlarge it.)

ej and i walked through prospect part on our way to the central library in brooklyn. whenever we go to the park, we tell ourselves that we really should spend more time there. leafy green, cooler, relaxing...this is right before i boarded the alien spaceship.

the central library is a wonderful place. the park slope branch is cute, but it doesn't really doesn't hold much.

ej wanted to check out some scores to study.

i've been aching for a book called "tender at the bone", a memoir about food and growing up by ruth reichl. i found the book right away, and then enjoyed browsing through row after row of shelves filled with books. i'd forgotten how wonderful it was just to wander through a library. the smell of it. so many possibilities to read. so much to learn! i limited myself to just three books from the biography section. libraries are such a brilliant idea!

we also visited a place called chelsea market. it used to be a biscuit factory, but now it houses assorted shops with yummy foods. this is behind the scenes at amy's bread.

they were advertising a job opening as an entry level pastry assistant. i could learn how to bake! and i could practice my spanish! i got very excited until i saw that the shift was 6pm to 2am. i did not apply. this photo below reminds me of the other day when i was in a local bodega with my friend, lalita. there was a large, black man in line in front of us with whom we were chatting and he good-naturedly asked us, "you know that all the food in new york is mexican food, right?"
i asked, "because all the food is made by mexicans?"
he said laughing, "yup. there are mexicans in every restaurant kitchen in new york."
so true, so true. i can't wait for more of my mexican cousins to open up their own restaurants so that authentic mexican food can be more easily found in new york.

we stopped at the ronnybrook milk bar for a serious milk shake.

it was delicious.

the other night, ej and i helped our friend, dawn, celebrate her birthday. we joined the party at a mid-town pub called blaggard's. ej says the name is misspelled. here dawn applies some lip gloss that i brought her from milan.

dawn's boyfriend, pete, dawn, and us.

when ej occasionally drinks, he's loyal to the brew of his people: jameson's irish whiskey.

i love steve carrell. he was hosting saturday night live that night.

yesterday, i visited dean and gypsy to say hello for father's day. their grandson, tyler, is visiting and he brought his wii game. i'd never seen this hi-tech video game before, but i was soon playing. using the wands, the characters we've created on the screen move with our movements, so we can play tennis or baseball or other assorted games. i think we were bowling at this point. it was fun! jordan, one of the day attendants, is in the background, and dean is taking a break in bed, but keeping an eye on the game.

wow.
my wrist needs a break from computer work.

milano on the brain

2008-06-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

ok.
i've been home a full week now and i'm still thinking of italy. sure, i can communicate more smoothly and quickly here in new york. i know where to get the good ice cream in chinatown (the ice cream factory) and that i can't transfer from the F train to the uptown 6 at broadway/lafayette without going above ground, and even though i was stumbling around like the ignorant newbie that i was in milan, i'm still thinking of it.

ej and i noticed that we never, never saw anyone in italy walking around with a coffee to-go. even in a busy city like milan, there were no suits hurrying down the sidewalk, yammering on their cell phone and carrying a paper cup of hot coffee. it was civilized. more than once, i witnessed people who were in a hurry, park their scooter, go inside and order an espresso, drink it at the counter, and two minutes later they were speeding off into traffic. now that's what i like to see. making time, even if it's just a little, to give the important things in life the attention that they deserve.

and it wasn't just a coffee thing. i noticed that food in general is a priority and is treated that way. when matteo brought back two tubs of gelato from rigoletto, they were carefully wrapped in paper as if they were gifts. the canoncini from the good bakery near the duomo gently placed our order of those baked delicacies on a tray and wrapped it with paper and tied it with a ribbon. the best focaccia bakery in the world is in recco and they wrap their warm-from-the-oven bread the same way, and when laura requested a plastic bag to carry it in, the bakery resisted stating that the plastic would make the focaccia sweat and would ruin the wonderful texture of it.

what a beautiful thing.

there were a few other things i learned about life in milan:

the drivers honk much much less than the drivers in manhattan. in nyc, the honking is virtually constant and expected. heck, they put up signs in some neighborhoods prohibiting it. in milan, i think i heard a car horn twice the whole time i was there.
many people ride bicycles in milan. business people. in suits. and skirts. we saw one guy all suited up, smoking a big stogie while cruising on his bike.
contrary to the stereotype in my head, the trains run on time in italy. at least, the trains that we took. on a couple of occasions, this worked against us.
the stop signs all say "stop". in english.
"bruschetta" is pronounced broo-sket-ta (not broo-shet-ta) and steve buscemi's last name is properly pronounced boo-sheh-mee and not any other variation that i've tried.
it's not unusual to see the honor system in use there. get on the bus and have yourself a seat. you can enter from any of the doors and you don't have to show a ticket. we tested this many times, successfully, until one sunday when javi was trapped on a bus where officials boarded to have a surprise ticket check. he had to pay a 30 euro fine (approx $45). we made sure we had tickets after that. one of my favorite cafes also used the honor system. they had a huge table laden with baskets of fresh pastries from which you could help yourself. when you left, you simply told the cashier how many you ate. and that's how i learned to say "seven" in italian.