Sunday, June 22, 2008

i dare you to cross that line

i have so much to learn about the world of blogging. i just took a cruise through a few "blogs of note", and they look very professional -- high quality photos, games, polls, links to all sorts of things. i don't really want to clutter up my blog, but i do want it to look more personal than the standard template that i chose, so i've added a photo to my header. i've no idea how to transform it into a long, sleek rectangle like the ones i've seen, and heaven forbid i actually go to the "help" section to find out. no, no, i must learn through trial and error.

i don't know why i'm stuck in this "i can do it myself" mentality. i didn't really realize how much it pervades so many parts of my life until now. a friend suggested that i ask my parents for a loan to finance the purchase of a digital slr camera. if i can't afford it on my own, using my own methods, then i feel i shouldn't own it, even though i've been wanting to upgrade from my point-and-shoot for over a year. i'm reluctant to even use this as an example because at some point my parents may read this entry and i don't want it to seem as if this is some backhanded way of asking for a loan. and how long did it take me to ask actor friends for references in my search for an agent? how many letters to agents did i send out cold, asking for representation? lots. and how many replies? zero. i was even reluctant to go see a doctor yesterday, and why? because i thought i could heal myself? would it hurt to ask for a little assistance once in a while?

i think there's a fine line between self-reliance and pride. and even typing "i think i need to make sure i don't cross that fine line" leads me to believe that i've already crossed into pride. maybe it's not about asking for help at all. maybe it's simply a reluctance to admit that i too am human.

jeez. what an ego.

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