Thursday, July 9, 2009

my new perspective

the anger arrived yesterday.

up until then, i was grudgingly accepting that i had been recast in this role. resigned to take whatever steps i needed to do my part well. i still feel that way, but now it's colored with something else. somewhere on the way to radiation yesterday, i was surprised by the sudden anger glowing in my belly. not surprised that i was angry, but that it took so long to show up. i thought, this whole situation is stupid. these toxic treatments are ridiculous. i can't believe this is what my life is right now.

i don't believe that cancer is a punishment for something i did or didn't do, but yesterday, i did indulge in some "but i did everything right the first time!!" thinking.

today i have round two of chemo, followed by afternoon radiation. after an abbreviated chunk of solid sleep last night (it's more about quality than quantity these days), i'm feeling the useful side of anger. i had been struggling with dread about chemo because two weeks ago, the combo of chemo and radiation really did me in to the point that i felt brain surgery was a breeze compared to these treatments. i didn't want to repeat it, but now i can focus my beam of anger right on the cancer. "you wanna play dirty? fine. i am so ready, you nasty little points of darkness, sneaking and slinking into my organs. i've got poisons comin' right atcha, not to mention my beam of anger that sees all. i am ready for combat. send me in, coach. i'll use my fists of fury, mano a mano, you damned dirty cancer."

i'm putting on my war paint. i am rambo. i am sarah connor in "the terminator". i am simon pegg in "sean of the dead". gimme my bat, i'm ready.