Friday, April 3, 2009

a blessing and curse

so here it is.

i thought that once i slogged through chemo and heaved past a hysterectomy, i would be home free. i couldn't wait until spring because that's when i would be beyond all the physical trials and with my "complete response to treatment" i could get back to doing laundry and picking up 2% milk from the store.

the good news is that i can, in fact, do laundry and buy milk. the surprise for me is that my emotions have gone bonkers. i can cry at the drop of a hat, for happy or for sad. it can be a commercial, a phone call from a friend, a dream. i can be walking down the street thinking how fabulous the world is and within the same block want to cry for my friend who's in the hospital. last night, i was at the stove stirring enchilada sauce and listening to the musical a little night music. judi dench started singing "send in the clowns" and i could feel the waterworks begin. i had been listening to music for hours, but all of a sudden judi's scratchy voice starts in on "isn't it rich..." and i'm crying into my mexican food.

even though i often feel as if i'm living life in the raw with exposed nerve endings reaching everywhere, i'm feeling better than i was on monday. i think it helps knowing that this is probably a mix of hormones (or lack thereof) and a sort of post-traumatic reaction to my bout with cancer. maybe it's the other side of all those days i spent my energy being upbeat-no-matter-what-all-i-see-is-the-silver-lining.

i feel like i'm pms-ing.
a lot.
lucky, lucky ej.