Monday, March 30, 2009

blue monday

such a weird day.

here i have my health, i'm not in pain, i have a roof over my head and food to eat. so what is my problem? i've got plenty on my list of things to do; organizing, cleaning, exercising, blogging, emailing, and yet i can't get motivated to do anything constructive. i did make oatmeal this morning, but mostly i distracted myself by playing scramble on facebook while telling myself that i can think better while finding words amongst the random letters which is the whole point of scramble, but thinking better is only occasionally true and that makes me grouchy. so i stop, but i just feel gross. and ridiculous. and then i wait too long before eating lunch so i'm even grouchier. i couldn't even manage to shower. sheesh. even this post is making me cranky.

i don't have cancer anymore so why am i completely unmotivated? shouldn't i be joyous? i feel that since i'm able to be mobile, i should have more to show for today.

i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to do anything.

tomorrow should be better. friggin' monday.

Friday, March 20, 2009

the end of winter

so spring has sprung. i awoke to snow flurries and now the sun is trying to break through.

it's been over six weeks since my hysterectomy and i'm finally feeling that i've turned a corner. the pain is mostly gone. my hair is mostly growing. mostly gray. i'm able to start focusing on the world outside my own health issues again. for the most part.

i visited a dear friend of mine recently who is going through a terrible loss. other than warming up some food for her lunch, i didn't feel there was much i could do to help. the grief in the air was heavy and persistant. i wanted to lift the burden for her, but i couldn't. there she was, living her life as wife and mother when whammo -- heartbreak. that same day, i learned that another friend of mine gave birth for the first time. mother and son are doing well and are the picture of happiness and beauty.

i step back and look at what the day had brought. one mother in california struggling with the eternal "why?", the other in italy holding her firstborn. i think about either and i cry. life is confusing and beautiful and heartbreaking. it's a burden and a joy. i know now that it's easier to deal with my own mortality and illness than to see someone i love battle such deep sorrow.

the sun has disappeared. it's snowing again.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

i am not a mutant. i am a big girl.

i decided to have a genetic test done to find out if my cancer may have been caused by an alteration in my genes. since i'm younger than the average ovarian cancer patient and since there have been instances of cancer in members of my extended family, i assumed that the test would reveal some sort of wackiness in my genes.

today i received the results in the mail. even though my genetic counselor had called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me, it seemed different holding the piece of paper in my own hands. the result? "no mutation detected". that's exactly what the paper says. i was really surprised. i fully expected that darn cancer to be hereditary, but it turns out, i'm simply part of a very elite club. the odds are against a 42 year old without any genetic predisposition to be diagnosed with ovarian cancer, but look who beat those odds. so no mutation. i guess for me, the outcome is a moot point since i've already had the cancer, but the real winner in this scenario is my sister, and her two kids.

as a side note, i was on my feet today for three and half hours, a personal best lately. i went for a walk and did a few unnecessary errands just to get some fresh air and build my stamina. sheesh. i started out okay, but by the end, even old men shuffling along with canes were passing me by. that's alright. two nights ago, i took myself off the pain medication which is the longest i've gone without pharmaceutical assistance in the last four weeks, and today was the first day i put my socks on all by myself. i mean, since the surgery. i'm a big girl now.