Friday, April 3, 2009

a blessing and curse

so here it is.

i thought that once i slogged through chemo and heaved past a hysterectomy, i would be home free. i couldn't wait until spring because that's when i would be beyond all the physical trials and with my "complete response to treatment" i could get back to doing laundry and picking up 2% milk from the store.

the good news is that i can, in fact, do laundry and buy milk. the surprise for me is that my emotions have gone bonkers. i can cry at the drop of a hat, for happy or for sad. it can be a commercial, a phone call from a friend, a dream. i can be walking down the street thinking how fabulous the world is and within the same block want to cry for my friend who's in the hospital. last night, i was at the stove stirring enchilada sauce and listening to the musical a little night music. judi dench started singing "send in the clowns" and i could feel the waterworks begin. i had been listening to music for hours, but all of a sudden judi's scratchy voice starts in on "isn't it rich..." and i'm crying into my mexican food.

even though i often feel as if i'm living life in the raw with exposed nerve endings reaching everywhere, i'm feeling better than i was on monday. i think it helps knowing that this is probably a mix of hormones (or lack thereof) and a sort of post-traumatic reaction to my bout with cancer. maybe it's the other side of all those days i spent my energy being upbeat-no-matter-what-all-i-see-is-the-silver-lining.

i feel like i'm pms-ing.
a lot.
lucky, lucky ej.

5 comments:

thegirlwiththestripedsocks said...

We are living the same life six months apart lol. I had post traumatic stress syndrome/depression so bad this fall. it's totally normal. but the whole time you think "what the hell is wrong with me?! I was totally fine when I was going through the damn thing and now that it's over I'm having a nervous breakdown?". Give it a couple of more months and possibly therapy. =)
xoxo
-faetra

Kris said...

You've hit upon some universal truth or experience here my friend! Heck, I just sat here and cried while reading your blog.....emotions seem to rule my life from time to time....just isn't fair when we have no hormones, pms, or other supposed requirement for such behavior. I'm trying to maintain the "this too shall pass" attitude, and of course keeping kleenex handy everywhere! Here's to post-traumatic stress disorder and all the adventure it brings into our milk buying, sauce stirring lives.

Anonymous said...

Sandra
Of course this is PTSS..how could anyone go thru this and it not be..
OMG, I go thru that much emotion in random times!! I'll have to
elaborate on that more,so much hormonal discussion at hand, but for now, Happy Easter & love to you & everyone here & there!
malia xoxo

meowmix said...

personally I prefer the Krusty the Klown version of Send in the Clowns from the Simpsons. But that's just me.

Anonymous said...

bonjour...you are well no? sometimes life is hard yes? now you will go and spread love. i will call you and ej now oui?

sunny.