Thursday, July 9, 2009

my new perspective

the anger arrived yesterday.

up until then, i was grudgingly accepting that i had been recast in this role. resigned to take whatever steps i needed to do my part well. i still feel that way, but now it's colored with something else. somewhere on the way to radiation yesterday, i was surprised by the sudden anger glowing in my belly. not surprised that i was angry, but that it took so long to show up. i thought, this whole situation is stupid. these toxic treatments are ridiculous. i can't believe this is what my life is right now.

i don't believe that cancer is a punishment for something i did or didn't do, but yesterday, i did indulge in some "but i did everything right the first time!!" thinking.

today i have round two of chemo, followed by afternoon radiation. after an abbreviated chunk of solid sleep last night (it's more about quality than quantity these days), i'm feeling the useful side of anger. i had been struggling with dread about chemo because two weeks ago, the combo of chemo and radiation really did me in to the point that i felt brain surgery was a breeze compared to these treatments. i didn't want to repeat it, but now i can focus my beam of anger right on the cancer. "you wanna play dirty? fine. i am so ready, you nasty little points of darkness, sneaking and slinking into my organs. i've got poisons comin' right atcha, not to mention my beam of anger that sees all. i am ready for combat. send me in, coach. i'll use my fists of fury, mano a mano, you damned dirty cancer."

i'm putting on my war paint. i am rambo. i am sarah connor in "the terminator". i am simon pegg in "sean of the dead". gimme my bat, i'm ready.


Geneva said...

Anger is an energy. Helps you blast your way through roadblocks you can't otherwise go around. Go get em tiger.
Remind me never to get on your bad side (grin).

jessie said...

You are SANDRA and you WILL WIN!!

jessie said...

You are SANDRA and you WILL WIN!!

Sheldon said...

where do i sign up! I can make you more spicy ribs! That will surely make these slimy little specs of cancer run the other way! Oh, yes, now you've made the hulk angry...GO GET 'EM!

Sistah D said...

ARRRRGH!!!!! Your army of familia y amigos have got your back...this is it seester.....let's roll!!!!!

Shane Barnes said...


Anonymous said...

Dear Sandra,

You are incredible. I think you're being angry at the cancer will serve you well. You have been through so much and it's time to not have to go through all this SHIT!!! I think of you everyday and say a little prayer that this too will pass.

You are my hero!!!!

Sally from Alameda

Lillian said...

Yay, she's back, and she's BAAAAAD!!!!!

Cunado said...

Kick it's frickin' ass!!!

Anonymous said...

Si se puede, my Ninette. :) :) :)

Rachel said...

Any time you use anger as a positive force, you will win!

Also, referencing Shaun of the Dead will inevitably lead to victory.

Go Sandra!! You've got hundreds of people rooting for you and sending you love, so take all that energy and kick some cancer arse!