the end of winter

so spring has sprung. i awoke to snow flurries and now the sun is trying to break through.

it's been over six weeks since my hysterectomy and i'm finally feeling that i've turned a corner. the pain is mostly gone. my hair is mostly growing. mostly gray. i'm able to start focusing on the world outside my own health issues again. for the most part.

i visited a dear friend of mine recently who is going through a terrible loss. other than warming up some food for her lunch, i didn't feel there was much i could do to help. the grief in the air was heavy and persistant. i wanted to lift the burden for her, but i couldn't. there she was, living her life as wife and mother when whammo -- heartbreak. that same day, i learned that another friend of mine gave birth for the first time. mother and son are doing well and are the picture of happiness and beauty.

i step back and look at what the day had brought. one mother in california struggling with the eternal "why?", the other in italy holding her firstborn. i think about either and i cry. life is confusing and beautiful and heartbreaking. it's a burden and a joy. i know now that it's easier to deal with my own mortality and illness than to see someone i love battle such deep sorrow.

sigh.
the sun has disappeared. it's snowing again.