starting the day with doctors

waiting for the doctor with my list of questions.


hello.
it's been a while. too long, perhaps. i just didn't have it in me. i had no urge to create, no desire to share, but in the last few days i've felt that old need to go public again...must be spring...thank goodness that emotional rollercoaster seems to be evening out.

this morning, i had my first check up with my oncologist. these will be happening every three months and consist of a pelvic exam and a blood draw. occasionally, a ct scan. i don't know why it's taken so long for this to sink in, but this morning i finally realized that my oncologist really isn't interested in any physical symptom that doesn't directly relate to cancer.

"my eyebrows grew in, but now they seem to be thinning out again. is that a sign of something?"
"well, they look good to me. i don't think it's anything."

"hot flashes. they're still going strong."
"i can prescribe ambien to help you sleep. or paxil. it's usually for depression and anxiety, but for some reason it seems to cut down on hot flashes."
"no, thank you."
"oh, that's right, you don't like to take drugs."

"this joint pain that started after chemo is still with me. would something like glucosamine or tumeric help?"
"well, chemo related joint pain is rare. (psst, it's not.) you can take motrin or something like that or, if you want, i can refer you to a rheumatoid doctor." the other doctor joked, "you probably know more about that stuff than we do."

funny.

a blessing and curse

so here it is.

i thought that once i slogged through chemo and heaved past a hysterectomy, i would be home free. i couldn't wait until spring because that's when i would be beyond all the physical trials and with my "complete response to treatment" i could get back to doing laundry and picking up 2% milk from the store.

the good news is that i can, in fact, do laundry and buy milk. the surprise for me is that my emotions have gone bonkers. i can cry at the drop of a hat, for happy or for sad. it can be a commercial, a phone call from a friend, a dream. i can be walking down the street thinking how fabulous the world is and within the same block want to cry for my friend who's in the hospital. last night, i was at the stove stirring enchilada sauce and listening to the musical a little night music. judi dench started singing "send in the clowns" and i could feel the waterworks begin. i had been listening to music for hours, but all of a sudden judi's scratchy voice starts in on "isn't it rich..." and i'm crying into my mexican food.

even though i often feel as if i'm living life in the raw with exposed nerve endings reaching everywhere, i'm feeling better than i was on monday. i think it helps knowing that this is probably a mix of hormones (or lack thereof) and a sort of post-traumatic reaction to my bout with cancer. maybe it's the other side of all those days i spent my energy being upbeat-no-matter-what-all-i-see-is-the-silver-lining.

i feel like i'm pms-ing.
a lot.
lucky, lucky ej.

blue monday

sigh.
such a weird day.

here i have my health, i'm not in pain, i have a roof over my head and food to eat. so what is my problem? i've got plenty on my list of things to do; organizing, cleaning, exercising, blogging, emailing, and yet i can't get motivated to do anything constructive. i did make oatmeal this morning, but mostly i distracted myself by playing scramble on facebook while telling myself that i can think better while finding words amongst the random letters which is the whole point of scramble, but thinking better is only occasionally true and that makes me grouchy. so i stop, but i just feel gross. and ridiculous. and then i wait too long before eating lunch so i'm even grouchier. i couldn't even manage to shower. sheesh. even this post is making me cranky.

i don't have cancer anymore so why am i completely unmotivated? shouldn't i be joyous? i feel that since i'm able to be mobile, i should have more to show for today.

i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to do anything.
sigh.

tomorrow should be better. friggin' monday.

the end of winter

so spring has sprung. i awoke to snow flurries and now the sun is trying to break through.

it's been over six weeks since my hysterectomy and i'm finally feeling that i've turned a corner. the pain is mostly gone. my hair is mostly growing. mostly gray. i'm able to start focusing on the world outside my own health issues again. for the most part.

i visited a dear friend of mine recently who is going through a terrible loss. other than warming up some food for her lunch, i didn't feel there was much i could do to help. the grief in the air was heavy and persistant. i wanted to lift the burden for her, but i couldn't. there she was, living her life as wife and mother when whammo -- heartbreak. that same day, i learned that another friend of mine gave birth for the first time. mother and son are doing well and are the picture of happiness and beauty.

i step back and look at what the day had brought. one mother in california struggling with the eternal "why?", the other in italy holding her firstborn. i think about either and i cry. life is confusing and beautiful and heartbreaking. it's a burden and a joy. i know now that it's easier to deal with my own mortality and illness than to see someone i love battle such deep sorrow.

sigh.
the sun has disappeared. it's snowing again.