i am pretty much done, done with this whole recovery crap. i simply do not have the tolerance or patience or bravery to deal with major surgery. this is not a plea for assurances about my courage, but this has been a miserable week overall and i need to purge it.
true, i found out that i "completely responded" to treatment, which is excellent. and i did have the staples on my incision removed. other than that, my body has spent the last few days hunched over in pain. it hurts deep inside when i stand up, when i sit, when i go to the bathroom, when i'm trying to sleep. my digestive system is all messed up so even that hurts.
sure, i'm taking pain medication. the first one, ultracet, didn't totally control the pain and gave me every side effect listed. now, i'm on tylenol which is not controlling the pain except for right after each dosage. my sister has gone to fill a prescription for naprosyn. i hope it works.
i've learned that when my body has major challenges, i get anxious. i felt like this last year after my lung biopsy which was the third of three surgeries, but the first to scare me. my life previous to this, i enjoyed the resiliency of my body. colds? no problem. flu? puh-leeze. and now, my joints ache from chemo, the hot flashes keep me cranky, and even though i don't have a uterus or ovaries, i'm bleeding like i'm on my period.
i'm spent. completely spent.
happy valentine's day.