Saturday, February 14, 2009

shaking my fist

i am pretty much done, done with this whole recovery crap. i simply do not have the tolerance or patience or bravery to deal with major surgery. this is not a plea for assurances about my courage, but this has been a miserable week overall and i need to purge it.

true, i found out that i "completely responded" to treatment, which is excellent. and i did have the staples on my incision removed. other than that, my body has spent the last few days hunched over in pain. it hurts deep inside when i stand up, when i sit, when i go to the bathroom, when i'm trying to sleep. my digestive system is all messed up so even that hurts.

sure, i'm taking pain medication. the first one, ultracet, didn't totally control the pain and gave me every side effect listed. now, i'm on tylenol which is not controlling the pain except for right after each dosage. my sister has gone to fill a prescription for naprosyn. i hope it works.

i've learned that when my body has major challenges, i get anxious. i felt like this last year after my lung biopsy which was the third of three surgeries, but the first to scare me. my life previous to this, i enjoyed the resiliency of my body. colds? no problem. flu? puh-leeze. and now, my joints ache from chemo, the hot flashes keep me cranky, and even though i don't have a uterus or ovaries, i'm bleeding like i'm on my period.

sorry.
i'm spent. completely spent.

happy valentine's day.

5 comments:

Kris said...

Oh yeah, it pretty much sucks, and you have every right to purge, purge, purge. It will get better, I promise, just because it did for me, and you're like a hundred years younger!

Hold that fist high (well, as high as the pain crap will allow) and shake it mightily at the world at large.

Heart shaped hugs for you!

Connie Ideker said...

Hang tough. Hopefully it will only get better and then will be worth all this when you are healed!

Geneva said...

Sandra - all of this sucks like hell. You just had your insides ripped out. But the good news - and it is such good news - is that every day you really are recovering. You really are moving toward something better. Even if it only seems like one miniscule step at a time. Even if it doesn't even seem like that. You are.
Scream. Rail. Wallow. Sleep for long periods of time if you can. Be preciously human. You will still be recovering. You will still be moving forward and away from the surgery. Here is to the new meds. I hope they cut the pain. Wish I was there. I would rail with you. Sending all my love.

Cindy T. said...

I know it feels like forever, but it IS temporary. It will get better. I promise!

Do not be afraid to ask for drugs... STRONG drugs... and your Colace with them! Sleep. Be easy on yourself... they said 6 weeks right?

I'm sending you love and hugs, and puppy dog kisses (from Xena, and George!)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

gm cote` said...

Sandra, You have been so strong in the worst of the worst scares of a lifetime, this is the last hurdle before smooth sailing again. I heard from 2 people who've had hysterectomies that the recovery was excruciatingly painful. Apparently they weren't exagerating.
I used to take Naprosin for my usual horrific cramps, ah yes, Naprosin which is Alleve I found out later, my best friend for 2 1/2days a month.
Has the pain eased since your last entry? This is your insurance policy & after this you're good to go. Any where you want. We love you, Malia, Gary, Stewart, Maggie xo