going on auditions was never quite like this.
not once did i leave the apartment today, and yet the day exhausted me. hours were spent on the phone. randy at the american cancer society signed me up for a local workshop of "Look Good, Feel Better" so that i can learn to feel better about how i'm looking these days. gayle at the patient advocate foundation sat with me on the phone as we navigated through government offices trying to learn the status of my medicaid and disability applications. which twisted humans composed that hold music? and if i weren't saturated with chemotherapy, i'd have never stayed on the phone through multiple menus where you not only push buttons, but have to say carefully articulated words to an automated operator, just to have the live operator (if you're lucky to get to him/her) ask you the same questions over again and then not offer up any new information in return.
the good news is that i did get one call back. "hello, ms. whole-gwin. i checked on your application and your case was adjudicated just today. you have been found by the state of new york to be disabled. congratulations!" well, she didn't say "congratulations", but why not? the world is upside down because one day i'm excited to be pumped with toxins and the next i'm thrilled to be legally disabled. is it really that far from the director's call saying, "you got the part!"?
and now, i lay on my futon, joints aching, intestines confused, and i feel quivery and weak as if i've been carrying bags of bowling balls up and down the stairs all day. i know the view from here very well now. a peek at the buildings across the street. the ceiling fan. and the camera that's always with me.
looking out window#1
turn my head slightly to the right, and there's window #2
my friend, the fan
she looks vaguely familiar...